Giving Hollywood the respect it deserves

Filthy Critic, I think I love you.

Do these jeans make me look pathetic?

Does it ever feel like The Gap does a good job of manufacturing PR but can't sell a stitch of clothing? Their new plan: give away a free iTunes download to shoppers who try on jeans. That's a big 99¢ pay day, so hurry in. You don't want to miss out on the freshest, most novel promotion ever. Or at least since Pepsi.

The Gap will then kick off "print and television ads that will feature a cast of musicians including singers Alanis Morissette, Joss Stone, Michelle Williams." It's an idea re-generation bandwagon! So let me plagiarize Ernie Schenck and ask: "maybe instead of beating the celebrity drum to death, any chance you might want to consider an actual concept for once?"

Hammered

I have never doubted the marketing genius of Home Depot since that day two years ago when I, a single woman with no carpentry skills, bought a shop vac. Now Home Depot is the nation's #2 retailer behind Wal-Mart. How'd that happen? It starts with an always-tinkering CEO whose business plan sounds vaguely like world domination: "'Home Depot will provide components to the infrastructure around your home. There will be materials provided from Home Depot in the road around your home. The water you drink will be transported through valves and pipes that Home Depot will supply. The hotel room that you stay in will be supported by Home Depot from construction to décor.'"

When that's done, Home Depot department managers will then invoke first-night rights in their local markets. But not to worry. All will be made right once they open their own convenience stores.

McQuestion

Did McDonalds just announce their new relationship with DreamWorks Animation because they're oblivious to impending scandal or because they want to act before things get really, really bad?

Now there's a mental image we can all appreciate

There are many lessons in today's Lloyd Grove column. The faithfulness of husbands, the vicissitudes of young love, even the hazards of hotel-magazine distribution deals -- which leads to this enchanting description of how Lollapalooza has changed: "'everything became designed to take kids by their ankles and shake all the cash out of their baggy jeans.'"

Can an old medium even have a new era?

For the first time ever, a Spanish-language radio station has topped our local Arbitron ratings. The Dallas Morning News claims this "milestone heralds a new era in Dallas radio, one where advertisers can no longer dismiss Spanish-language radio as simply a niche format." Maybe. Or maybe radio in general can be dismissed as simply a niche format.

I don't want to say that DMN may have missed a larger story here, but DMN may have missed a larger story here. Is all this a sign that non-Spanish speakers, by comparison, just aren't listening to radio anymore? Do Hispanics who prefer to speak Spanish listen to the radio because they have yet to embrace newer media? And most important, does this mean that Hispanic stations can finally get a payola scandal of their very own?

See what I mean. Larger stories, all of 'em.

People and their places

A Chuck E. Cheese for adults? History will long note this day. But for now, we must have more Starbucks! With more mood-setting compilation CDs! Because people like cheerfulness.

A real corker

For the first time ever, more Americans prefer wine to beer. I blame the flatulent horse.

They don't have good hands and they're not good neighbors

Seth Stevenson at Slate calls Geico's "Tiny House" the best ad on TV. I think he might want to tap the brake there just a bit. But Stevenson does make an excellent point about Geico's overall strategy. Instead of trying to appeal to everyone with one bland campaign, Geico scattershoots with wildly different mini-campaigns aimed at different segments. It's a nervy departure from the "trust us" posture of every other auto insurer. And it seems appropriate for a comparatively new company selling direct to consumers. But does it work? "While its competitors are running lots of dour ads that exploit our fear of accidents, Geico stands out from the clutter with its oddball humor and lighthearted tone. The company has managed to inject fun into a product that we resent having to buy." That's the brilliant part.

As for "Tiny House," AdJab is worried: "In this day and age, any ad that manages to fool us is undoubtedly smart. Now we must ask ourselves what the world has come to when such a premise seems completely believable."

Does your magazine have a self-esteem problem? Take this short quiz to find out!

Jann Wenner is planning a new magazine, one "aimed at being a one-stop read for busy women. Stories about real-life experiences and high-profile crimes will mix with celebrity coverage, plus lifestyle and fashion features." Ought to be successful. That's the exact same format as primetime cable news.

But some of us find that a one-stop read is still too, too time-consuming. So we turn to new Quick & Easy with "vibrant-colored sidebars and graphics." Which sounds like the exact same format as a web page. There seems to be a lesson here. If you aren't part of the new media, maybe you can do what women's magazines have always advocated and just fake it.

Quote of the day

This: "Lock me in a room with a computer, an original San Andreas DVD and a binary-file editor, and I will be able to unlock the stuff in a matter of minutes."

I was locked in a room with a binary-file editor one time. It was fun but two months later, he left me for a guy. Oh wait. Maybe I'm confused.

It's the real brand

Interbrand has ranked the world's most valuable brands. Coke is #1. NotBillable is not mentioned.

The more you ignore advertising, the more it surrounds you

We wanted this to be professional. Efficient, adroit, cooperative, not a lot to ask. Alas, consumers refused to sit through our TV commercials so we went to plan B. Which lately means TiVo pop-up ads while you forward, automatically updated movie trailers on your hard drive and full-motion, 15-second ads within your video games. You will watch!

One question though. Will new game ratings and regulations discourage or attract advertisers? Because apparently cop-killing violence is OK but sex is too upsetting.

UPDATE: Ask and AdAge shall answer.

Damn. I'm a fad that is so over.

CNET takes a stroll down ol' memory lane and ranks the Top 10 Web Fads. Alarmingly, Blogger is number 9. More alarmingly, the guys at Jib Jab are number 10.

Ad revenue is a good thing

While some are sensitive enough to worry -- and worry -- about her soul, Martha Stewart is set to save at least her business empire. It won't be easy. The magazine that brings in a third of her company's revenue has seen "more than 65% of its ad volume [disappear] between 2002 and 2004." But Martha's a game girl whose fans really, really want to like her. So much so they have asked her to blog. Yesss. Please, please, please, Martha, you must do it. I don't want to go another 24 hours without learning which hired underling deserves to be run over and why.

The strange appeal of Jared Fogle

From the department of "and the horse you rode in on:" Subway fired their agency Goodby, Silverstein & Partners and, possibly, the marketing director who chose them. But here's the shocker. "Subway executives have said when ads featuring Mr. Fogle stop running, sales dropped as much as 10%." Is that believable? Goodby had tried to jettison Jared but they should have known better. You can't fight a guy whose popularity may be based on an enormous porn collection.

I am a fan of baseball promotional nights

Mainly because they tend to be weird. And therefore fun. It's marketing at its most imaginative and Faith Nights are no exception. "Churches, like thousands of other organizations, had outings to ballparks before with discounts on group tickets. But Faith Nights go further: They have become a marketing tool, targeting churches with promotional campaigns. And they provide entertainment and specific activities geared to those fans." Like a Moses bobblehead. Or VeggieTale trivia games. Always remember: "'God doesn't want us not to have fun.'"

The diaper business gets messy

Dallas's own Kimberly-Clarke announces that 6000 of their employees will be asked to seek CEO opportunities. But the company won't announce which employees. Thus demoralizing all 62,000 of their workforce.

The problem seems to be efficiency. Tissues -- especially the new anti-viral ones that appeal so effectively to our inner Howard Hughes -- and diapers are posting big sales, but the Huggies price war with Pampers has been brutal. And oh yeah, blame Wal-Mart: "The job cuts 'reflect the changing relationship with Wal-Mart and the other big retailers that have reduced suppliers' pricing power.'" In other words, Kimberly-Clarke needs to make 'em cheaper and faster. How do you say "plant relocation" in Bangladeshi?

But the real lesson may be this: "'Historically larger firms are not the job creators, they are the job shedders in America.'"

Must love ads

Important movements in history often begin as a lone voice in the wilderness. Just so with AdAge's bold new stand against product placement. They start by revealing that the movie Must Love Dogs may in fact be one artfully created infomercial: "The script, originally written with a generic online dating service, now includes numerous mentions and placements for PerfectMatch.com....PerfectMatch.com has three placements in the movie trailer alone."

Then Rance Cain shocks us all by explaining "Why Product Placement Does Not Equal Brand Building." Bad news if you were in on the Herbie deal. Good news if this prediction comes true: "it won’t be long before movie companies will let people into theaters free to drive DVD sales."

Job news, part 3

Citigroup's Sandy Weill is rich enough. Now he wants to leave his job to start a private equity fund with a Saudi prince. (I can't tell you how many times I've come close to doing that exact same thing.) There's just one hitch: Citigroup won't continue to pay his bonus or let him use the company jet after he leaves. So Weill may not be meeting his prince so soon.

Most employees get mad and quit. Only the very privileged can get mad and threaten to stay.