The Monday breakfast menu

I woke up this morning with the best intentions, fully prepared to chat about a number of pertinent topics. Then Blogger served me a nice tall glass of Shut The Hell Up.

Happens.

Maybe it was just two clicks over my head

Here is my official reaction to Battlestar Galactica's season finale:

The fuck?

I'm not saying I can't be talked into loving it. I'm just saying I'm gonna need some time.

More proof that Rupert Murdoch controls my mind

That Simpsons clip was a Fox creation. If you're keeping track, that officially makes Fox cooler than NBC.

After all, Dallasites need more places to shop

Wrapped in tissue paper, tied with ribbon and buried at the bottom of this DMN article is a special gift for area trophy wives: "[Neiman Marcus CEO Burt] Tansky also said Thursday that he may be ready to talk about 'new specialty concepts' soon."

Uh, how soon?

Chloe Dao is my new hero

When your curriculum vitae includes, among other things, "former political prisoner, southeast Asia," pretty much you got scoreboard on every other member of society. Every day you wake up is a victory. But I don't think that story alone is why Chloe Dao won Project Runway.

I like to believe it was something Chloe said -- a throwaway line actually -- while explaining her work to the judges. Did you catch it? As they questioned her decision to show ALL eveningwear, she summed it up sorta like this: "This is my collection and I knew I'd have to defend it so I just decided to do something I loved." So screw y'all. Sure there's strategy and marketability involved and Chloe gets that but also, she's going to do what makes her happy. And she has to take pride in her final product. That's a lot more commitment to a personal creative vision than, oh, Santino showed.

And to further rationalize all the hours I spend watching TV: for me and 3.4 million of my closest friends, watching Chloe's beautiful mother silently cry with joy was one of the best moments ever.

I was right. Therapy would have been a waste of time.

It's so much cheaper and more fun to read blogs! First, Dan Renzi makes me feel less alone in the world with this Penthouse-letter-for-shoppers opening sentence: "Today I went to Target. I needed dog food and deoderant....I grabbed a cart and proceeded to fill it with $242 of worthless home items."

Then Althouse continues to link to articles that diagnose my true, underlying problems: "The term attention-deficit disorder turns out to be a misnomer. Most people who have it actually have remarkably good attention spans as long as they are doing activities that they enjoy or find stimulating....we should probably be calling the condition something like 'intention-inhibition disorder,' because it is a condition in which one's best intentions — say, reading 50 pages in a dense textbook or writing a 10-page paper in a timely fashion — go awry."

There ya go. A fellow sufferer and a name for my condition, all in one afternoon. I feel better already!

Shouldn't it be called Mumbai Company anyway?

Among all the things a CEO can say, "'This was more challenging than I thought,'" is not the most inspiring. So James Carreker will be stepping down at Bombay Company. His recent performance was what you would call, in local terms at least, typical.

One question: can the same search firm find TWO qualified executives to move here -- or would it be easier to just hire the first taker as CEO of both Bombay and Radio Shack?

Just one more alcohol note and I'll stop. Because I can quit anytime. Promise.

Norman Adami, Miller CEO, gets all regretful: "as consumers began to look for more personalization and sophistication...Brewers stuck to the formulas that had worked before: mass-advertising campaigns with lots of bikinis and bad jokes. 'We were promoting sameness and increasingly going lowbrow. It is as if we were promoting beer as the official beverage of the knuckleheads.'"

Someone out there is having a good time

Sales of superpremium liquor are up and happily my personal purchasing habits are only part of the reason. Admit it. You're going out, getting effervescent and choosing the good stuff too:

"The incidence of people going out for a meal has grown, and the on-premise spirit business has picked up with that -- and at an even more rapid rate,' said Bill Anderson, vice president of sales for privately held Bacardi USA, the No. 3 spirits company. Bacardi has shifted more marketing resources into the area...it now sells about 30% of its total U.S. volume on-premise, with even higher percentages for its top-end brands like Grey Goose vodka, which is closer to 50%."

Oh, those "marketing resources." Coasters? OK. But cute bartenders who use flirting to sell a new gin?

Yeah, that'd be OK too.

Some day that goodie bag will be yours. Oh yes, it will be yours.

Good news! Oscar nominees want to work on your spot. And it can only be assumed they'll happily read your screenplay too. See? You're closer than ever to blowing that popsicle stand.

Just remember though, celebrity swag is not tax-free.

Joshie: mystery man, genius

A discussion about Original Sin brings us the best comment left on a blog ever: "Obviously Irenaeus couldn't be Pelagian since he lived centuries before Pelagius, but I'm just bringing that up to be an ass."

Quote of the day

In honor of Jack Wild: "Can't do a little 'cause you can't do enough." I know. I never understood that lyric either until I was older. And wiser.

Matador is only your nickname, big guy

A better question might be why did Ricardo Mayorga show up in a big glittery toreador's costume? No. Wait. An even better question: why does that do a little something for me?

Hemingway. I blame Hemingway.

Rupert cannot be stopped

I always thought it was odd how no one noticed the dark downside of MySpace until Rupert Murdoch -- the media's favorite little satan figure -- bought it.

But this IS Murdoch, so he can fight back. Behold: the power of Idol.

The problem? I was so totally going to be Ace's friend but now that Bucky won every Southern heart and vote by begging for some sweet tea, I'm torn!

Yes, pictures do say it all

I think ReallyTopDrawer is an awfully funny name for a blog, primarily because whenever I say it to myself, I hear Roger Smith's voice. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Taiwan bookstores want to make you feel right at home.

You know, between this and the toilet restaurant, you gotta wonder what's happening on that island.

Digital product placement: is this the best idea we got?

This is what they mean by a slippery slope. First, no one protests when Jabba the Hutt is inserted in the updated Episode 4 and now look: Kelloggs can make crackers appear in sitcom reruns. We should have seen it coming.

But just because you can digitally add a product into any scene of any show, should you? "Stacey Lynn Koerner, executive vice president for research at ad-buying agency Initiative, said much depends on how the placement is used. 'If the brand is striving to be considered as hip or on the cutting edge, and it is placed contextually in an environment with a very cool, hip character, repetitively ... there may be some value in that.'"

Yes, there may be. And tomorrow there may be monkeys flying out of my...oh never mind. I'm so underwhelmed by the small-time thinking here, I can't go on. Go ahead. Play around with your big computers in post, I don't care. Thing is, I bet no one else cares either.

It was winter. They were cold.

It is the way of my people to celebrate this day by making fastnachts. That's right. My DNA has been shaped by those who shunned parade floats and flashing in favor of tossing pastry dough into a pot of boiling fat. Well, don't knock it until you've lined your arteries with it.

And happy repenting.

For some a sigh of relief, for others the end of the expensable round

Despite putting up some impressive numbers, the company behind the Calvin Klein and Izod labels has fired their aggressively coiffed chief executive. The reason might be ad-related. "Board members became concerned over Weber's management style, which was more flamboyant than was his predecessor's. An avid golfer, Weber enjoyed tagging along on advertising shoots to exotic locales."

Nice.

Have you written your anti-Bode screed yet?

What's taking you so long? Admittedly, it will be hard to top Sally Jenkins: "It's not the winning, it's the trying. The point is that he acted like he didn't try, and didn't care. Failing is forgivable. Getting fatter on beer while you're here is not."

And with true skill and daring, Jenkins condemns the pre-Olympic Miller mania as if she and her media colleagues were simply hoodwinked by an out-of-control sponsor: "He was impossibly over-hyped coming into the Winter Games between Nike's ad campaign, his autobiography, and those nipple-baring magazine covers." As if the media had no choice. As if 60 Minutes had intended to profile Enrico Fabris but was prevented by the personal interference of Phil Knight. On a side note, is anyone else creeped out that Jenkins said "nipples?" Sally: I'm telling your dad.

But what about Nike? At first, you might think it's a shame they backed a loser. And if it's true that Knight is so worshipful of effort and commitment that he nearly flat-lined at Andre Agassi's "Image is everything" Canon campaign, then he must really be pissed, right?

I don't know. The anti-Bode storyline seems a little too convenient for reporters who watch downhill racing exactly once every 4 years. It's a dogpile. Maybe it doesn't yet make Bode Miller sympathetic but I think at some point -- like right now -- these attacks are going to feel so played out. Nike's current spots don't help much at the moment but that can be fixed pretty quickly. And then, Sally Jenkins will hate Bode Miller even more.

NEXT-DAY UPDATE: I'm not sure but I think Deadspin just officially started the anti-anti-Bode backlash.

I get no kick from cocaine

Sometimes commercials feature popular songs. Sometimes popular songs feature drug-related lyrics. Yeah, you can see where this is going, right?

Personally, I'd opt for more and better

Usually, I recommend avoiding Russian millionaires because they tend to get jailed or, you know, assassinated but Roustam Tariko is growing on me:

"Tariko, 44, a Russian tycoon who made his initial fortune in importing and banking...spent more than $3 million, inviting more than 1,000 people to the September event and feeding them Beluga caviar, blinis, quail eggs and, of course, red borscht - all washed down with his red-capped, $35-a-bottle Imperia vodka. 'I believe in emotional branding,' Tariko said this week in Moscow, freshly returned from Turin and the well-reported parties at Russia House in the Olympic village. 'I launched Imperia at the Statue of Liberty because I wanted to use something symbolic. I like American society because it always wants to do something new and better.'"

The communist-to-brand-storyteller transition was apparently a smooth one for Tariko, wasn't it? And he's right about us. "'A middle-class man making $40,000 might not be able to buy a new BMW,' said David Ozgo, chief economist at the U.S. Distilled Spirits Council. 'But he can buy the occasional bottle of vodka for $35 a bottle. People are drinking less than they once did, but they are drinking better.'"

So it's a great time to be a seller of superpremium liquor. AND it's a great time to be a middle-class American. Yay!

The huh? test

I can always tell Battlestar Galactica has returned to greatness when I only sorta understand the plot.

The beheadings will continue until we find a fertile, son-bearing wife, OK?

Sucks to be Gap Inc. Sucks worse to be a Gap executive not named Pressler.

Admit it. Jerry Rice danced his way into your heart.

Thanks to TVTattle -- who in a perfect world would post every hour instead of merely every day -- we can now contemplate this nation's latest controversy, which is: has Jerry Rice ruined his marketing potential by appearing on Dancing With The Stars?

"To Jo Muse, chairman of the multicultural marketing firm Muse Communications, Rice's TV dancing and his recent role as a Miss America pageant judge seem 'odd' and misdirected. 'I think he's a guy who had a great career, and he has been struggling since he retired to stand out and do something meaningful. He appears to be taking what comes along instead of crafting a branded direction.'"

Now see, I just don't get that. First, have you seen the ratings? More important, have you seen the show? Because intentional or not, Jerry Rice has spent the last few weeks winning fans among people who were maybe only vaguely aware of his football career -- which might matter if you think appealing to women is ever important to a brand. But he isn't simply upping his name recognition. As a sports guy who turned off the TV to take ballroom lessons, Jerry Rice has just become every woman's dream husband. He dances! And doesn't think it looks gay! He listens to direction! From his 5-year old daughter! Yeah, women love Jerry Rice. His conquest of America is complete.

That's not misdirected. It's genius.

But then, I love a good quick-step.

Quote of the day

Dear God I wish I'd thought of this: "I have to have luxury, my work requires it."

What's wrong with us?

Lying about a theology degree may not be good for David Edmondson's eternal prospects but it's definitely earned him a spot as grand marshall in the big Dallas-area parade of broken businesses. Take a look: Radio Shack, Pier 1, Blockbuster, Zales. They're all based here and they're all currently, inarguably, in the crapper. Why?

And why do they seem to be failing in exactly the same way -- by not changing? At all?

See though, Sam Cooke is always right. A change is gonna come. Because such flamboyant failure gets people talking: "the 62% plunge in fourth-quarter earnings and a slowdown in cash flow 'point to a company in a virtual state of collapse'....'RadioShack's eroding stock will likely reignite buyout speculation.'" Buyout? That seems so last week, so Pier 1ish. Yet I fear the buyout. Housecleaning, culture clash, organ rejection -- choose whatever analogy you want, it's never an enjoyable process for the average employee. So can we get us some smart, honest CEOs around here? Can we stop having our neighbors get laid off every 2-3 years? And can we at long last pull it together for the good of the community or at least for the sake of my property value?

Surely JCPenney can't do it all themselves.

An invocation, Fergie, then: Raptors!

Happy NASCAR Day. And remember, in racing as in life, it's never a good idea to make illegal adjustments to your rear end.

Fallon's Trump moment

ADWEEK continues their quest to squeeze a story out of the Silburn-Fallon turnip. This week, they worry about Pat Fallon's bluntness. "When Pat Fallon terminated ecd Paul Silburn in January, he took an unusual step: He said so."

Meanwhile, I'm worried about the people ADWEEK interviews. Amid all the hand-wringing about the need to look gracious, avoid lawsuits and not burn bridges, no one is worried at all about the fired employee. That person's fate -- their family, mortgage, relationship with colleagues -- evidently isn't a factor.

Am I naive? Don't we sugar-coat such announcements partly out of a sense of decency? Out of a sincere wish not to totally screw someone over? People who get fired eventually have to get back out there and make a living again. Do you honestly want your press release to prevent them from doing that? Yes? Well then: expect it to affect your Q quotient.

On a related note, if you ever do get forced out, is it really a compliment to be called "'the Jiminy Cricket for the organization?'"

Your proof of incompetence. Delivered.

When targeted communication goes horribly wrong.

The Mars Blackmon Return: should I start the countdown or what?

Unless you're Josh Elliott's mom, you probably don't watch ESPN's Classic Now show. And usually that would be OK. Josh, cute as he is, can ramble. But on Wednesday, the guest was Spike Lee and the subject was Mars Blackmon so I endured the wordiness for an entire segment.

Cards on the table? I love those old Nike spots. I weep at their purity. You know, journalists have Woodward and Bernstein. Actors have Brando. Me, I have Weiden and Spike Lee and I think no one's come close to such perfection since. I wish I could find a transcript so I could check Lee's exact words because as much as he was there to hype the new Air Jordans, he seemed equally dedicated to giving credit to Knight, Weiden + Kennedy, and the original creative team. All of whom he mentioned. By name.

And then Lee did something that caused my ad heart -- which is like a human heart but smaller and coin-operated -- to skip a beat. He seemed to imply, maybe even plead, that he wants to bring Mars back for a new spot. I held my breath. I waited for details. And I watched as Josh changed the subject.

So I dunno. Maybe there'll be a new Nike spot to make me misty-eyed and nostalgic. Maybe not. I'm just gonna have to wait. Thanks a lot, Josh.

My idea for a ratings bonanza

Johnny Weir is now the Paris Hilton of these Winter Olympics. Only mouthier. That is, he tells us, how he rocks it! Well, good for him.

And to NBC: good luck with all that.

Because, even with Johnny, no one's really watching. Which is why I, after the most superficial consideration and research, propose UFC as an official Olympic sport. Yes, I'm saying Ultimate Fighting can save the ratings.

Do it now, IOC. Pull the trigger. Get some James Irvin in your 2008 Summer Games and the world will not be able to turn away. Because nothing brings out a sense of national pride more than watching a fighter run up to a rival nation's athlete and deliver a flying knee to the face. Stirring! And really, who wouldn't tear up at that medal ceremony? My friends, THAT is must-see TV.

Ideas: I got a million of 'em.

The Diana Eng Generation

Like all women, I always find it difficult to fill the 23 hours of the day when Oprah isn't on. How to feel? What to read? But now I realize I should get with the times and buy gadgets. "Women now spend $55 billion annually on high-tech goods such as PDAs, cellphones, MP3 players and DVDs....'women actually outpace men' in personal computer, DVD and video game ownership."

Interesting. And ultimately, a puzzle. As Steve Portigal points out, this trend has led marketers to launch such insightful, relevant product innovations like: phones. That are pink.

That makes me feel self-actualized. How 'bout you?

The Ms. Weber update: Yes she did, and eww.

Even when the NYPost is a week or two late on a story, they manage to make it their own through an unyielding commitment to true pervy sensibilities. Today their take on WPP: "The titillating details of the feud — including Sorrell's confirmation of an extramarital affair with Benatti's former top aide, Daniela Weber... — have attracted an unusual amount of attention."

Speculation was fun but such a blunt, unexpected public confirmation has a strange effect. I feel like maybe the whole ad world just threw up a little in its mouth.

Smooch

Or formal, slightly awkward pat on the shoulder -- whichever makes you more comfortable.

The Pixar Karma test

It's not exactly news that Michael Eisner is still a prick but it is interesting to review the current status of all those, who at one time or another, rebuffed Pixar.

George Lucas: after selling Pixar to Steve Jobs for divorce cash, Lucas' story is a mixed bag. He owes everyone on the planet an apology for Episode 1 and he still has the worst ear ever for dialogue. On the upside, Sith won a People's Choice Award!

Jeffrey Katzenberg: as head of Disney animation, he negotiated the original Disney-Pixar distribution deals and screwed Pixar over when it came to production compensation. Current status: SEC investigation.

Michael Eisner: famously turned down the chance to buy Pixar at the Lucas family garage sale but worse, he too antagonized Jobs during subsequent negotiations. Present situation: struggling talk show host -- on CNBC.

Of course, this is just a cursory examination. The lesson, though, couldn't be clearer. Now is a good time to become Robert Iger's best friend, neighbor or adoptive child because as history shows us, fortune is kind to those who are kind to Pixar.

Everybody's got a secret freelance gig but me

Brilliant: "The first printing of Josh Kilmer-Purcell's 'I Am Not Myself These Days,' his upcoming memoir about a buttoned-up ad exec who moonlights as a drag queen, will include an endorsement from Frey on the cover." Yeah, that Frey.

Me to BSG: dammit we need Kara Thrace on that wall!

So the kids over at Television Without Pity are heart-broken about Billy. I am too. A shocking, gut-wrenching loss. But I'm just as sick about Starbuck who has, in only one week, lost her top gun status and nearly killed yet another Adama brother. All while maybe not having her ovaries.

Look, I don't know where you Battlestar writers are going with this but leave Kara Thrace alone. I love her. She's a bully and a drunkard and a daredevil and through it all: hot! And funny! That's something we've never seen on TV. I like that. I don't want a weakened, chastened, no-skills-havin' Starbuck because where's the post-feminist fun in that? And if you minimize the one actress in Hollywood who can convincingly throw a punch, you'll have truly wasted a precious gift.

She better be back on the road to recovery is all I'm sayin.' Because it's this simple: I want my heroines to be doomed, brave, fucked-up, brilliant and licentious and if you can't understand that, then -- then maybe we don't have a future together.

Downhill fast

When Sly Stone ran backstage to hurl at the Grammys, was it really stagefright or simply a ratings premonition? At least now it can said with certainty: if you want to pursue a comeback of any consequence, you're going to have to do it via a theme night on Idol. Just ask Barry Manilow.

This of course bodes ill for the Olympics. NBC is wondering if anyone will watch while athletes are wondering about their payday. After all, if there are no overly long, tear-filled profile packages, how is anyone supposed to get an endorsement deal? Give a sequin-wearing ice dancer a break!

But upheaval can be fun. Just tune in February 23 to see. "A perfect storm is brewing that night. NBC's Olympics coverage, including the women's figure skating finals (aka the Winter Olympics Ratings Motherlode), must overcome not only that 'Idol' show...but also the final night of competition on the second edition of ABC's hit 'Dancing With the Stars' and an original episode of CBS's reality staple 'Survivor.'"

Can't wait.

Remember, these are the people who give us sex advice

Every time I open a women's magazine, I can feel several hundred of my brain cells start to die. Now I know why. Meet Cosmo's Kate White and her proven formula for success: "White put Rebecca Romijn on the cover, and that copy sold in record numbers. 'So we put only blonde models on the cover'....The models preferably pose in the butterfly position, again something that the post-mortem showed worked as per newsstand sales."

Is nothing sacred?

When will we advertisers stop ruining this country's great cultural institutions? If it's not swag at Sundance, it's product placement at Fashion Week. We must be stopped. After we get Mary-Kate's autograph.

The extent of my ambition

Let me see if I have this straight: when I work less hours, I help the economy?

I'm in!

Would a joke about leaving no footprints be too easy?

Some day, shortly after the intervention I would guess, I'll explore the exact reasons for my own cynicism. For now, it will have to do that I am not unrelentingly distrustful. Sure, I roll my eyes at things like Laurie David's big green magazine, but I'm sincerely impressed by Timberland's social activism. I'm even intrigued by this kind of attention to detail: "a 'nutritional label' for shoes and boots...which looks like the government-mandated ingredients labels on food, provides information on where the shoes or boots were made, how much energy was consumed to produce them and how much renewable energy the company uses." And: they care about Darfur too.

The tumbleweeds out on Legacy Drive

It's a shame that, over the last 6-8 years, EDS has laid off just about every staffer at their headquarters. Otherwise, someone in Plano might actually be happy that things are finally looking up.

And cute too!

It's a final. Tiki Barber is the world's most likeable athlete.

What's a little labor trouble between friends?

It must have been an interesting interview. After downplaying that "learning experience" with American and focusing instead on his skills as a motivated self-starter, Don Carty got himself hired at Virgin Atlantic. You know? This is just the kind of shit that happens when the boss gets distracted.

Maybe we just don't need a new celebrity chef

Bravo gets their big gay feelings hurt because the Food Network rejects an ad for Top Chef. So mean! But, to be fair, isn't Top Chef a rip-off of Hell's Kitchen?

Nice work

The ad world is home to many creative souls. Marco Benatti is one of them but critics can't quite agree if his concepts are original. Overstating performance numbers, hiding ownership in companies while recommending them as acquisition targets -- it's been done before, right?

So maybe his genius is in the details: "After WPP CEO Martin Sorrell went to Milan to fire him on Jan. 9, WPP began its scrutiny, bringing in three Italian law firms—including one specializing in criminal law....Since then, the dispute has taken unexpected twists: WPP's Italian headquarters in Milan were broken into on the weekends of Jan. 14 and Jan. 21, with Benatti's office the focus."

That's brilliant. I wasn't expecting a flair for Nixonian intrigue, were you? There's also a mysterious company-paid apartment and, delightfully, this: WPP COO Daniella "Weber (whom Benatti described in the release as 'my pupil and assistant for 23 years') also had personal relationships with Benatti and Sorrell."

Wait a minute. You don't think...yes, yes, it seems that Ms. Weber might be the real creative genius here.

Madame, I salute you.

Quote of the day

I'm beginning to believe that Project Runway online recaps represent the very best in contemporary American writing. Admittedly, that's a judgment I'm willing to re-evaluate the next time I pick up an actual, you know, book or something.

There is however no question that the Fashion World's Line of the Week is this: "I can't believe people didn't know about me when I was a kid! I am so gay, I sweat glitter!"

Some things, you don't wanna see over and over

The iPod now gives us everything from ads to Fashion Week runway shows. (Runway shows, people!) Doesn't this fill you with wonder and awe? And perhaps reflection. Obviously, it's only through the grace of a benevolent God that the iPod was invented AFTER Katie's colonoscopy.

Bring back the cliche

Whatever really happened, Fallon and Silburn would have been better off simply wishing each other the best of luck. Because, while an article like this promises dirty secrets, it's in fact worthless. And damaging. When an agency staff will only comment anonymously -- and ultimately pettily -- to ADWEEK, everyone looks silly.

You can triple bill. We can help.

I don't know if I can handle such stunning news so early in the morning. First, Home Depot might be guilty of fraudulent pricing practices. Then -- then! -- if that's true, it might be an indication that the Sarbanes-Oxley Act isn't effective. If over-reaching, burdensome legislation can't cure the ills of society, what hope do we have?

Every account has good days and bad

The good news: you've just won the MSLO account. The bad news: you have to present to Martha Stewart. The good news: her daughter might sleep with you.

Ever wonder what's happening in your own backyard?

Then you must turn to the NYPost. That's who has the potentially big news about Fort Worth's Pier 1: "Board members have held recent discussions about finding a successor to Marvin Girouard, 65, the longtime chairman and chief executive." Is it a pre-buyout move? A buyout-blocking move? The possibilities are endless and interesting because Pier 1 has always seemed like one of those old-school, hometown, home-grown successes where people can actually expect to retire instead of being let go. An outsider probably would change that. And of course, there's still creative up for grabs!

Then again, maybe there are just too many stories for the Dallas Morning News to cover. Things being the way they are, it's going to be an eventful time for many local CEOs. Anyone in account service know Betsy Burton? Start dialing now.

I can offer you no additional comment

Only this: "With Oscar buzz in Tinseltown nearing a crescendo, owners of the Puppies and Babies pet boutique say devising their Valentine's Day-themed window display was a 'no-brainer.' "Brokeback Mountain" is one of the great love stories of all time, so of course "Barkback Mountain" just came out,' says Hannah Brand, who...crafted a cheeky homage to the Heath Ledger-Jake Gyllenhaal film about two cowboys' epic romance. The window's canine mannequins — one in a hunter's parka, the other in a fisherman's sweater — huddle around a faux campfire, accompanied by squeaky squirrel toys, migrating geese and two clearly unused fishing rods."

Dieting: it's not just for girls and gays!

Part of me thinks it's brilliant that NutriSystem is targeting men and seniors with new weight loss ads. Part of me wonders what took 'em so long.

Go ahead. Hate the playa.

So. Yeah. I've been watching Dancing With the Stars. What can I say? I'm a middle-aged woman and that is, apparently, what we do when we're not scrapbooking. But after only a few episodes it's clear that there is no one so inexplicably cocky as male professional ballroom dancers, who rival perhaps only Fabio in terms of creepy, unrelenting vanity. That's why I can read GQ's list of the 10 most hated athletes and laugh. Compared to, say, Louis van Amstel, T.O.'s a sweetheart.

They grow up so fast

It's been a bad week for the video game industry. First: sued. Then: parents are playing? And now, a large video game trade show attempts to clean up its image by banning boobies.

Fear of restrictive legislation will do that.

Call it "faux-ga"

Now that we know the proper outfit for yoga -- thank God! -- I have a question. Is it -- and I ask this question merely for a friend -- is it OK to still wear yoga clothes even if you hate yoga? Because those shoes are really cute. According to my friend.

Quote of the day -- extended play version

A cable news anchor, in TV Guide: "How do you reach out to the larger audience, you mean? If you spend your time doing news for people who don't like news, you're on a fool's errand. What you try to do is the most interesting and intelligent and sophisticated broadcast you can do about the subject at hand and believe that's the way to attract a big news audience. Everybody else will have to take care of themselves. My feeling about this is if it becomes 'Well, nobody cares about this, so let's bring on Matt Damon or Jessica Simpson to analyze this' — once you start that, you're on the road to having nobody watch. You can't get people to care about things they're not interested in."

Bartoli to the rescue!

It is destiny.

...a pteradactyl or a brooch...

Jim Beam has bought up so many new brands and is now so international and big-time, they have to change their name. Are you ready for this? It's Beam. Yeah, Beam. "'It's a name that works because it does have a lot of flexibility inherent in it,' [Chief Executive Tom Flocco] said, noting that it could also refer to a beam of light, a balance beam, a support beam or even the beam of a ship." Uh huh.

But you, dear drinker, can still call the bourbon by its birth name: "'The change is not as relevant to consumers as it is to our employees, distributors and retailers,' he said. 'We don't get any benefit from putting Beam on the back of bottle of Sauza.'"

Comedy or something like it

Well, the Wall Street Journal tried. In attempting to find a new slant on Super Bowl ad stories, they explore how brands make their final concept selection. Laughs are almost always a top priority.

And the secret to being funny, fresh and unexpected? Focus group everything.

Lists? Everybody loves a list!

Two questions: do you ever look at a list like Business 2.0's 10 Dumbest Moments in Business to see if anyone you know is on it? And second: if you realize that their Smartest Moments list includes GoDaddy.com's Super Bowl ad, do you immediately swear off Business 2.0 forever?

Media, money and my future as a productive member of society

It might at first seem tragic that Diane Mermigas wrote her article about the TV programmers convention immediately before WB and UPN announced their merger, stealing the limelight and thoughtlessly spoiling everyone's free Vegas stay. But in the long run, maybe Mermigas has the more interesting story.

Or not -- it's a tough read. Still when someone speculates that "new paid distribution models [represent] a challenge to the conventional wisdom that advertising sales are fundamental," you have to pay attention. "Forrester Research analyst Josh Bernoff says a popular series like ABC's 'Desperate Housewives' can generate significantly more gross revenue for ABC from a downloading model generating $1.20 per episode per user, compared with the 45 cents per episode per viewer generated by advertising sales. 'Even if 20% of the audience shifts its viewing from broadcast to iTunes (iPod) downloads and ad revenue drop as a result, ABC makes an incremental $1.8 million,' Bernoff says in a recent report."

So that's the secret to getting entertainment executives to embrace change: just make their cut bigger.

And look, there's even a nice, reach-out-and-touch-somebody's-hand conclusion: "the developing media landscape is not so much about us vs. them -- content vs. distribution, or so-called old vs. new media -- as it is about all of the players bringing something to the table and needing each other to thrive. Traditional media companies have an indisputable expertise in content production and solid touch-points with consumers and advertisers, just as new-media players have the high-tech flexibility and savvy to respond to emerging competitive challenges and opportunities."

And I mean this sincerely

If I seem a little down, a little unmotivated this week, there's good reason. Miss Texas did not win the Miss America title. It instead went to Miss Oklahoma. Yes, Oklahoma. Believe me when I tell you: this state feels the humiliation to its very core! Maybe Texans should have sensed the impending doom when our candidate revealed that her platform would be "Putting an End to Verbal Abuse."

Then again, maybe she's just tired of all our sarcasm.

Special bonus: strippers!

Once we rid the world of drug advertising, everything will be perfect. You won't ask for prescriptions you don't need. Drug costs will come down. And your doctor can go on getting paid the kickbacks he so richly deserves: "companies employ a variety of financial ruses to pay doctors who use their devices, a practice that medical and legal experts say is unethical and possibly illegal. But despite industry efforts to clean up such practices, the documents and accusations made by former Medtronic employees suggest that the problem persists and may have gotten worse."

Payments range as high as $700,000 and can include other rewards: "When the doctors visited Memphis, she said, Medtronic employees would take them to a local strip club, PlatinumPlus, disguising the expenses as an evening at the ballet."

But don't you worry about it. Senator Bill Frist always says that doctors know best. And we should trust him. Because he's a doctor.

Also, she doesn't want to make anything that's been sold or processed

Rachael Ray, upon whom Oprah has smiled, describes her own talk show: "'I'm not interested in chit-chatting with experts or talking about anything serious, and I don't want any crying because that's not me.'"

Tree huggers vs wine-lovers: cage match!

In simple terms of happy confluence, there is no bigger lottery winner than American winemakers: between the health studies and the movie, they must have wondered if they'd ever have to pay for real advertising again. But there had to be a buzzkill. Or at least a buzz saw: "developers are buying up land in remote, ecologically fragile areas such as northwest Sonoma County...[and] are eager to turn their forests into vineyards because wine grapes, especially for high-end pinot noir, are worth more than timber."

Who wants to be known as the winemaker who cut down the redwoods? The label design alone would be tricky. And you know you look bad when the Sierra Club can issue an opposing statement that is the very model of reason and moderation: "'We're not saying you shouldn't drink wine. We're saying there are more appropriate lands to grow wine grapes on.'"

That's right. It's come to this: we're all environmentalists now.

20,000 people I'd like to become close, personal friends with

Buyers in the Ferrari customer database don't mind the waiting list. After all, they're purchasing more than a car: "selling cars in volume isn't Ferrari's business. Ferrari's business is creating and sustaining mystique around products that many aspire to but very few can possess. 'It's a life experience,' says Marco Mattiacci, vice president of marketing for Ferrari North America. 'We sell lifestyles.'"

Besides I learned what "tooty" means

I was about 10 minutes into Dancing With the Stars: the Results Show when I started to wonder if I watch too much TV. I pondered that a bit, making a mental list of shows I might go without, things I might get done if I could just reclaim those hours. And then I realized it was almost time for Battlestar Galactica.

But now? I know I'm at the leading edge of a societal phenomenon: "Gathering in groups to watch favorite TV shows is the 'book club' of the new millennium." So says the Christian Science Monitor. So say we all.

"Those who study TV and pop culture say these gatherings...come out of two things: the desire for more shared experiences and the types of programs being produced today." Shared experiences? That sounds familiar. So maybe TV is the new movie house: "Anna McCarthy, author of 'Ambient Television: Visual Culture and Public Space' thinks in part these gatherings may happen because....TV may provide something more personal. 'The TV narrative is pitched more toward social groups, movies more toward demographics,' she says."

And I'd extend all this to include the online watching party, which itself has given rise to the two most exquisite literary forms known to man: live-blogging and the online recap. Really, Auntie Mame's Project Runway commentary was a revelation. It exponentially increased my enjoyment of the actual show, which is already pretty intense. And Althouse Idol blogging is a same-night must read. Again, like the movies, you don't have to be present to win. You enjoy it on your own time. Television Without Pity, a weary nation thanks you.

So after thinking it over a little more, I'm not backing off. All TV, all the time. It's what all the other kids are doing.

Hooking up

Starbucks and Yahoo, match.com and perfectly-timed-relationship-book author Dr. Phil -- they all make such cute couples. Or such cute copiers. But if Dr. Warren really does have "over six and one-half million men and women registered on the eHarmony site, and...ten to fifteen thousand new registrants every day," I suppose there's enough optimism to go around.

Hiding from the law is easier without 27 million people watching

It wouldn't be an Idol season without a contestant in jail. This year, it might be a twofer thanks to the Brittenum twins. Does Fox know how to entertain us or what?

So much for good genes

Is it me or is Princess Stephanie looking more like Peter O'Toole everyday?

The big business of being Indie

It's Sundance time and of course the question on everyone's mind is how much free shit will Paris Hilton get? Oh yeah, there are some movies too. Mostly though there are movie executives, "all chasing the same holy grail: accessibly entertaining, low-budget, high-quality movies with known stars and indie cred. And besides the usual suspects, there are new alternative releasing partners on the scene -- from Google to Starbucks to Netflix -- adding to the demand." So good luck finding something.

It doesn't help that movie people can get it all so very wrong. Last year, "'March of the Penguins' barely registered on the Sundance radar until Warner Independent Pictures swiftly closed a deal...and re-edited it into an English-language version; it then grossed more than $77 million."

All the while John Crudele is, with strange and unseemly delight, predicting the end of movie theaters. He might want to tap the brake there. Mark Cuban, who's thought this movie thing through, said yesterday on SquawkBox that movie theaters can best survive by specializing -- teen movie houses, arty movie houses, gay cowboy movie houses. And that seems right. If you can keep teens -- who don't care so much for your dialogue and character development -- separate from everybody else, you might be onto something.

But SquawkBox? With no Mark Haines, they're dead to me now.

Do they count in the Nielsens?

Pets love watching HDTV sets. Reason enough to make the purchase.

Promoting a TV show like a new record: will there be payola?

Depending on your point of view, this is either synergistic genius or an obnoxious new form of product placement. In CBS's new show Love Monkey, "Sony BMG artists will cycle through as Cavanaugh scouts bands for his fictional label, which will have a Web site with real information on the artists." Did I mention that Love Monkey is a Sony Pictures production? Or that "CBS is collaborating closely with two divisions of Sony Corp. to drive promotion of the show: the Sony TV studio and record label Sony BMG Music Entertainment, which is providing marketing expertise and a roster of artists." Also, I think Sony's involved. Which is just brilliant for CBS really. Everybody knows what a fan favorite Sony is these days!

You too can be organized, elegant and monochromatic

Businessweek wonders if America is just not that in to Martha Stewart. You know, the failed Apprentice, the unremarkable talk show -- the woman has clearly pissed away some post-prison sympathy. But I'd say the one thing Martha Stewart knows how to do is a magazine. Martha Stewart Living launched nearly 15 years ago and since then, what women's magazine hasn't been influenced by its design and content? It's still beautiful and it's still readable and that's more than you can say about a lot of women's publications these days.

So yeah, Blueprint's mission statement makes me roll my eyes but -- honestly? -- I can't wait to buy it.

Rupert Murdoch will spend his money however he damn well pleases

Oh sure. He might be making a cluster of MySpace but Rupert Murdoch knows how to succeed. And he isn't about to lose out to cable. In fact, he might just toss a billion into DirecTV wireless broadband and that means just one thing: you'll have even more ways to watch Simon Cowell. Isn't new media great?

Gadgets, girls: not what you think

When I was little, we didn't have your fancy-schmancy computers. Without the world wide web -- or Blogger -- I had to walk two miles through the driven snow just to find ways to waste time. But girls today have options. So when they want a hobby, they can make accessories with high-tech functionality. Frames that talk. Skirts with magnets. Hell, Switch.tv even appeals to ME. And since it was launched by Project Runway's Diana Eng , it's all the more fascinating. You know Diana. She was once famously described as "adorable in that way that only the goofy intellectual nerd-girls can be," but she could in fact be a 'tween brand waiting to happen. So y'all! C'mon! Grab the wire-strippers and remember: "We girls can do anything."

There's a fantasy in there somewhere

Major League Baseball makes the odd claim that stats are not historic facts.

To review that decision-making process: on the one hand, calling it intellectual property means fantasy leagues will have to pay for that information. Money. Easy. Good. On the other hand, 15 million devoted fans might be annoyed. Let's do it!

The shared, social experience on my couch

There is of course no scientific evidence that the last generation of dinosaurs examined their changing landscape, shrugged casually and remarked to each other, "Nothing can replace a 3-story-tall beast." But it has been recorded that a famous director told CES audiences: "'Nothing is going to replace the shared, social experience of going to a movie theater.'"

So touching. So sharing-is-caring. And it's the only defense for movie theaters anyone can think of: "'There's always going to be the need for the shared movie experience,' said [Entertainment Weekly writer Dade] Hayes."

Is it even right?

For answers, we must turn to American Pie: Band Camp. Direct-to-DVD movies make money because "'how people watch movies is shifting dramatically,'" said Kevin Kasha, senior vice president of New Line Home Entertainment. 'The living room is the new drive-in.' Which means that the onus is on studios to bring entertainment into the home rather than on audiences to go out and find it."

And this month, the new Soderbergh movie will air on HDNet the same night it debuts in theaters and will be sold on DVD that same week. But read the fine print. Soderbergh's distribution team, which includes Mark Cuban, is setting "aside 1 percent of DVD revenues for this and future similar releases, divvying it up between theater owners who agree to distribute their films."

Are they bribing movie houses? Hedging their bets? Or giving us the one profit model that makes sense these days? The only thing keeping movie houses alive now is the distribution window -- protectionism -- and not mankind's inherent need to gather with others and overpay for popcorn. Soderbergh's movie deal is important because for the first time, consumer choice is a factor. It's an approach that means wherever we enjoy watching a movie, it'll be there and when we watch it, everyone in the foodchain profits. Soderbergh's team realizes the "shared, social experience" is not confined to any one place and even extends to what comes after, when everyone goes to their phone, blog, office or Hookah bar to talk about the movie they just saw.

Really: it's exciting. It's fun. So why can't our society's most creative, most innovative people see that? Hmm. Maybe nothing will replace self-delusion.

Awkward MBA chest-bumping in Cincinnati

There is, I think, a direct correlation between an event's cachet and how many of its attendees' outfits are openly and cruelly mocked. If no one gets ridiculed, it must not have been very important. So using that formula alone, I was inclined to answer yes, the People's Choice Awards show was "one of the most gloriously stupid, implausible, and unsuccessful episodes in the history of contemporary marketing." But look. The early numbers indicate it was a ratings win for CBS. Is that possible? People love Procter-branded entertainment! They really, really love it!

That's not all. Some earnest people saw a serious lesson in it for the Oscars: "the public is applauding one set of stars and filmmakers while the critics and other key awards givers are celebrating a very different kind of group. Neither of them are right or wrong because it's all a matter of taste. Nonetheless, when awards show producers go looking for big ratings what they run into these days are problems tied to the fact that most of the films they're putting up for consideration aren't ones that the public's actually seen." You mean you can't expand the audience for the Oscar broadcast by celebrating Brokeback Mountain? Why, that's just hateful!

If the People's Choice Awards show can draw ratings, Procter & Gamble's money and even George Lucas, I fear there may be no stopping it. We're just going to have to curl up with our Pringles and accept it.

Gap news: Down goes Rosen, down goes Rosen.

In case you got up to get a drink and missed the last round, Paul Pressler landed a brutal right cross to the face of Julie Rosen after narrowly avoiding being knocked out himself. But stay tuned. Pressler and his corner don't have this thing won yet.

Smarmy, how I love ya

I get the intention. And I almost believe the astounding claims of worldwide success. But to me, Dove's Super Bowl ad -- the earnest, multiethnic one featuring "Cyndi Lauper's True Colors, sung by the Girl Scouts Chorus of Nassau County" -- is just asking to be worked over into a new SouthPark episode.

Okay. Maybe I judge too soon. If I ever do see the spot, maybe I'll like it. Or maybe I'll be so emotionally wrecked by the revelation that body shape doesn't matter that I'll have to overeat then puke just to cope.

The predictions that you dare to predict really do come true

It would be a shame to waste all this nice weather so let's put the top down and set the Wayback Machine for last November 18. Remember? That's when Brand Autopsy told Radio Shack: "It’s what you do during the 46-weeks leading up to the Holidays that makes a business relevant. If you are expecting a multi-million/multi-dimensional Holiday advertising blitz to make a brand relevant, then you should expect to fail." Sure enough, Radio Shack's 2005 fell short.

Theirs wasn't the only one. If you register -- which is not recommended while inside a Wayback Machine -- BIGresearch has the December numbers: "retailers spending on TV commercials to drive shoppers into their stores met with indifference. When asked if their favorite commercial motivated them to shop that retailer...only 26.5% said yes." What holiday shoppers really wanted was a print piece with coupons.

Then there's this: "When asked which retailer has the best holiday TV Commercial...Target was the top commercial mentioned at 5.6%." Which maybe indicates doubly bad news for all those imitators.

How to do a list

Ask Ron Moore to rank his favorite sci-fi books. I'd read 'em but I'm a blogger -- living in Dallas -- and therefore somewhat illiterate. Best to stick to TV.

The television will not be revolutionized

Someone invents a way to actually measure TV ad viewing and we're supposed to believe that agencies -- those "free-spending Madison Avenue idea factories" -- now face the End Times.

Or not.

Ad ratings could alter some client ad selection but it may cause more confusion for TV programming: "ad ratings could upset the decades-old system of pricing ad time based on how many viewers are watching a show and instead force networks to price time based on how many watch the commercials....networks could be charging advertisers who put up poorly rated ads higher prices for airtime than those with better ads, on the premise that bad ads spur viewers to surf to a competing channel."

Did you follow that logic? If no one watches your ad, you'll be charged more for it. Let's see how networks make that work. Or this: could a top show get axed because none of its sponsors can hold the audience through a commercial break? And if the audience does surf, is it the ads or the demo that's to blame? After all, the average Larry King viewer probably doesn't work the remote quite the same way as a Mountian Dew-fueled ADD teen.

Look, all this makes my head hurt. I just can't worry about it right now. Besides, I gotta get out there and free-spend while I still can.

Look at it as only 37 cents a minute

If you launch a DVD fashion mag filled with arty video, you can naturally expect favorable media attention. But when you're selling it at $45 per copy, it's extra helpful if the reporter could parrot your own invented reasons to buy. Et voila: "it's a worthwhile investment for the fashion-forward media junkie who wants a cool DVD to play in the background at a party, or a retailer looking to show collections in a more refreshing light. Or, for anyone who wants to be the first to collect something that could turn out to be a pioneering direction for fashion editorials."

See? So very practical after all. Better get two.

Curiously, there were no envelopes

How was your People's Choice Awards watching party? Mine was fantastic! And in case you missed it, these were the big winners:

"-- Crest Whitestrips Fans Favorite Smile: Cameron Diaz.

-- Nice 'N Easy Fans Favorite Hair: Faith Hill.

-- Olay Total Effects Fans Favorite Look: Jennifer Aniston"

So seamless, so integral to the content -- it's like you couldn't even tell it's a Procter & Gamble production! And even though they have to admit that the winners are notified in advance, the whole thing was still filled with suspense and genuine excitement. Right?

Be glamorous. Is that so hard?

Evidently helpless without stylists and free clothes, the world's most beautiful people are starting to dress like citizen-journalists -- or worse, me. This must be stopped. Let's all take a minute now and pray for intervention from above.

It was for the ninos

I know. I know. It seems like more people have seen the rap than the movie, but Narnia will likely be Disney's most successful live-action film ever. And it's because of Latin America.

Is Sandwich Man the new Mark Felt?

And is Steve Jobs about to sell me a new TV?

Let's count the ways we contributed to their success

Further evidence that it's a good time to be selling wine.

Yeah, there are side effects all right

The best intentions of federal regulators are no match for the financial motivation of competing drug brands. One way or another, it's always lawyers who keep advertising in check. And although it's sometimes hard to remember given the reporting, for every drug controversy, there really might be someone who's living a better life because of those drugs.

The automotive equivalent of Rod Stewart singing standards

Like any sensible, well brought-up person, I love a sweet-looking muscle car. But I'm no fan of the re-issues. Even when the new models are well done, they just seem to suggest that Detroit's best days are in the past. Can borrowed glamour really be considered true glamour?

A plot thick with cruel irony

You know all those reasons people hate going to the movies? Turns out those are the very ways theater owners make money. Yeah. I don't understand it either.

Ich ben eine consumer

It took total cultural immersion that included a trip to -- good Lord -- a mall but Volkswagen designers have learned much about American drivers: "like why storage space is so important to them and why they can never have enough speakers in a vehicle. While Germans prize a car's driving capability and frown on eating while driving...Americans think of their cars like a second home or office."

Good for VW. They actually recognized there's a cultural gap between themselves and American consumers. This differentiates them from many American brand managers who, secure in their advanced degrees, generous salaries and friends who share the exact same opinions, never question their own ability to connect with shoppers in faraway locales. Like Lubbock.

Good thing the Corvette is paid off

Between the $109 baby doll and skanky Bratz, there's just no love for Barbie. So you gotta wonder: maybe what Mattel needs right now is a really smart mom.

Focus groups, unreliable? Did you research you that?

Ad agencies seek new ways to track consumer behavior. Apparently, not a moment too soon.

The lively DJ was not enough

Nothing conveys life-long devotion quite like a threat to set the entire prairie ablaze.