Hurricane help

I gave to the Red Cross and Salvation Army because they're in place and ramped up, but there are more resources to support if you're interested. Here's the best round-up of relief agency links I've seen.

Of course the mob jokes were unavoidable

One impression of the new campaign to help save Italy's cultural treasures.

Me to August: uncle already

A cooler, catastrophe-free September can't begin soon enough.

The brand, like Hugh, isn't looking good these days

It is perhaps fitting that a writer named Bambi would report on Playboy's new online magazine. Give her credit though. She gets right to the problem. Or in this case, problems. Magazines and porn just ain't what they used to be. When Playboy debuted, we were an offline world and porn had to be softened to be made acceptable but now, "on the Web, there is no such thing as civilized sex." So can Playboy save at least their brand? Is it enough to update the bunny costume and re-introduce nightclubs? Has Maxim's clubs already outpaced them? And finally, should we care? Alas, Bambi cannot tell us.

Do you really want Penney's to rock your prom?

They're based in Plano so they may have a skewed estimate of how much schoolkids can spend, but Penney's is going all-out for the teen dollar.

Good/bad news if Mary Richards was your role model

I almost guarantee the execution won't be as funny as the concept: Mary Tyler Moore is slated to appear as a local news anchor on this season's That 70s Show.

Thanks for all those profits. Now we'd like more.

Two record companies want Steve Jobs to change iTunes pricing so they can charge more for the most popular songs. Jobs almost always wins these battles. But now -- could it be? -- he's even more powerful than Wal-Mart: "these days, allies and adversaries both agree, he has more power online than Wal-Mart has in the bricks-and-mortar world. Apple commands an estimated 75 percent of digital music sales, and roughly 80 percent of sales of MP3 players...." It's a fight over profits as well as platforms but it's astounding how everyone has forgotten that it was Jobs -- not record executives -- who got people to pay for the product. At least Jimmy Iovine knows it's a continuing process: "'We need to convert a lot more people to the habit of buying music online. I don't think a way to convert more people is to raise the price.'" And then there are artists who realize a well-planned free offering is a good investment in audience loyalty.

All of which is useful background for Hollywood's piracy claims. Two things. If movie studio sob stories about lost profits are true, then the problem is not that their product sucks. It's that they haven't figured out that whole customer-centricity thing: "some critics of Hollywood's response to digital piracy say that the film industry is not addressing the broader challenge: a rapid and epochal shift in how audiences watch movies. 'I think the movie business is in the same place the music business was in 2001 and 2002. They're just sitting it out and not doing much to put legitimate movie offerings online.'" And second, when the piracy card is played, gadgets suffer, making my cell phone and my DVD player less cool. And that is just so wrong.

It's like you could write a book about this stuff.

Sharon, you Cylon slut

The men of Galactica continue to disappoint. When it comes to killing the enemy, only women are brave enough to do it. Whipped much?

Headed south

According to the new Nielsen numbers, TV audiences are becoming older, more ethnic and more Southern. What a coincidence. So is the general population. Interesting, then, that people making most media and marketing decisions are not.

Animators create funny numbers

Why is the SEC looking at Pixar? Is this part of their investigation into insider trading at DreamWorks? And would it be Karma for DreamWorks' Jeffrey Katzenberg -- who, as a Disney executive, turned down the chance to buy a fledgling Pixar on the cheap -- to go to jail?

Maybe they're just not into you: an advice book for publishers and advertisers

The desperate quest for men continues. Sports Illustrated still thinks they can make it on TV, this time partnering with OLN to take on ESPN. Have you seen ESPN lately? Might be easy. And Lord knows, SI needs to turn a profit if only to reinstate staff expense accounts.

Then there's Playboy. Is it worth exploring why Playboy has to launch an online magazine to re-capture ad dollars, or is it only an opportunity to make predictable jokes and talk porn?

Somehow you can't get upset about a weak dollar

A fountain for capitalists.

Corporate giants learn that comedy is hard

For some reason, this should be funnier: SBC-EchoStar brand DISH will give free programming to the first town that renames itself "DISH." And yes, it'll probably have to be all caps.

But the money is real

Fantasy football is now a billion dollar industry. And what really gets everyone excited is the demo. "The average fantasy player is a 37-year-old white-collar man with a bachelor's degree and an annual household income of $76,689."

Food and gas, next exit. Maybe.

Clearly William Spain sees roadside chain restaurants as visual pollution. Nonetheless, he manages to pen a quick little article examining how high gas prices are hurting the customer base at Cracker Barrel and Appleby's. It must be true. Because Wal-Mart's data says it is.

Air kisses from Arkansas

Because I do not make a living in New York City magazine circles, I am neither excited nor astounded by the hefty Fall Vogue. But Jossip does and is and recognizes that the tectonic plates of culture are shifting when Wal-Mart buys 8 pages of ads.

Technology, analytics and beer

One article, so many important learnings. Among them, tanpin kanri is not a Fu move, 7-Eleven clerks are more tech-savvy than I am and -- happily -- I'm not the only person who's there for the 40-ouncers. Also: when CIOs use the phrase "moment of truth," it's time to find another buzzword.

From the Pauline Kael School of Business

Like any good marketing person, I predict consumer behavior based solely on my own quixotic personal tastes. So imagine how amazed I am that Blockbuster is still in business when I haven't been a customer for years. Shocking! Also surprising: "there were nearly 3.2 billion rental transactions last year. By contrast, box-office admissions were less than half of that number, DVD sales totaled about 1.1 billion and there were fewer than 350,000 purchases of movies through video on demand or pay per view." No wonder theater owners are cranky.

Blockbuster claims to be evolving into "'the place where people can rent, buy or trade movies or games, in store or online.'" Good thing. Their main advantage -- the ability to offer movies 6 weeks earlier than cable and pay-per-view -- depends on the wisdom and mercy of movie studio executives which, judging by recent product offerings, are not qualities commonly found in Hollywood.

Is it me or does it seem like anyone whose profits depend on the movie business better have a Plan B these days?

MORE: Grant McCracken lets his big brain ponder the movie business for about 10 seconds and naturally comes up with the reason there's a slump: blockbusters are next to impossible in an age of audience fragmentation. But is there really a slump?

Suddenly People Meters look reliable

Podcast listeners may be older than you think. Then again, maybe not. Helpful, isn't it?

Apparently 30-something women do not read

I'm happy that boomer women have More magazine. And it makes me laugh when the publisher says things like, "'the mistake marketers are making [is] assuming that 25-year-old girls are going to spend $12,000 on a watch or spend money on an expensive outfit. Those people have absolutely no money.'" That's genuinely funny. But I just wish there was something to bridge the Cosmo-I-just-discovered-sex years and the reading-about-retirement-funds stage. Or is that what Ladies Home Journal is supposed to be?

If so, I'm in big trouble.

Open your blue books and begin

Compare and contrast. Five paragraphs. While Target travels to Manhattan -- an isle where they have no stores and no immediate plans for stores -- to stage acrobatic runway shows and single-advertiser magazine issues, New Yorkers can't be talked into a Wal-Mart. The folks in Bentonville are trying. Hard. "Wal-Mart has sought to bolster its cause with clever advertisements, like a full-page one that ran in The Staten Island Advance. The ad read: 'On Staten Island, you can start the Marathon, take a ride on the Ferry, spend a day at Historic Richmond Town, and do just about anything. The only thing missing is every day low prices.'" New Yorkers' reaction? "'We need this Wal-Mart like a hole in the head.'"

I'm just trying to picture that sentence on my resume

I know it's an exciting new era, a dynamic time of change and blah blah blah, but is this, really, good career advice? "'People can decide to do anything anytime without any particular rationale.'"

Remember: "cluster" was his word, not mine

This is how 7-Eleven's VP of Marketing describes FreshWorks, the buzzy new integrated Omnicom creation that will manage the account: "They essentially assembled a cluster of agencies managed by a single account team that presents one face to us and ensures complete integration and quality control." Of course, what we all want to know is how this will work. Is FreshWorks an uber-agency that can raid Omnicom resources at will to generate bold thinking, or merely a client-like middleman making sure everyone uses the same typeface? Uh. Well. They'll get back to us on that. "Details of how the units will interact have yet to be worked out."

Interjections show excitement or emotion

Upon review, it has been found that NotBillable relied on an immoderate -- and ultimately ill-advised -- amount of exclamation points this week and for this, I apologize.

A Dynamist trifecta

Do you get giddy when Virginia Postrel talks Target, glamour AND advertising all in one post? Me too!

Like Mae West, when food is bad, it's even better

Margaret Webb Pressler might be my new hero. Her article about the new menu at Ruby Tuesday delivers up so many wonderful real-world findings, it's hard to single out any one highlight.

There's this of course: "while customers say they want more nutritious choices, they rarely order them. As a result, fast food and casual dining chains — which together account for three out of four U.S. restaurant visits — are slowly going back to what they do best...high-calorie, high-fat fare." There's no shock in learning people won't admit to their bad habits. No, the real news is that someone out there is apparently getting my allotment of upscale restaurant visits. Oh, and that people can view something as simple as eating at Chili's as a reward.

Or this: "'in 1972...the No. 1 item people ordered when they went out was a hamburger and french fries....Today, the No. 1 items people order when they go out are a hamburger, french fries and chicken tenders.'" Progress?

And this: "at Wendy's, the Homestyle Chicken Strips Salad, eaten with one pack of ranch dressing, packs 670 calories and 45 grams of fat — more than any hamburger or sandwich on the menu." Better get a Diet Coke with that. Then ponder why it might take a stunt to sell Chicken Fries.

Maybe billionaires can't stick to budgets either

Can someone loan Mark Cuban a buck or two? Or, at least, donate some hairstyling services?

Your theories, while interesting, didn't test well

American Copywriter, with the help of Malcolm Gladwell, gamely tries to kill the focus group. A commenter at AdPulp gamely tries to prop it up again. I don't know what to think so later this evening I'll be calling consumers at their home -- probably right around dinnertime -- to get their thoughts.

And if that doesn't work, tomorrow: mall intercepts!

Get off the street

Bad reviews for a new HBO effort.

Can we all now -- finally -- agree that graffiti is not guerilla marketing? It's not original, fresh or buzz-worthy. It is, in fact, only the advertising equivalent of your mom wearing a belly shirt.

Freon = lifeforce

You'd reach that conclusion too if your air conditioner went out Sunday. Then again Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and, oh yeah, Thursday evening. But I'm not complaining!

And not a moment too soon

Hollywood can't be Hollywood! if everyone is shooting stuff in Canada. Or, Lord help us, Louisiana. So California lawmakers are introducing tax breaks for the film industry. Television commercials are included. Porn is not.

Let's all go to the movies. Well OK, maybe not "all."

Movie theaters for grown-ups. Complete with babysitting services, gourmet concessions and over-21 age restrictions for all movies. Whether or not you think it's brilliant, you have to admire the innovative theater owners who recognize that the movie business can't depend solely on teenagers and foreign audiences to turn a profit.

Astoundingly, no word on whether your $18 ticket means the movie will be ad-free.

Quote of the day

It's early I know, but it has to be this: "'I used to fantasize about getting married in a church, even though I'm Jewish, just because that's how they all do it on soap operas.'"

Savvy traveller or TV addict? You decide.

Like Pavlov's dog, I am now thoroughly conditioned to shut down at 6 bells so I can watch Attack of the Show. Every day. Every single day. And I have been richly rewarded. Where else would I learn about the Catsup Crapper or how to degauss my monitor with nothing more than magnets and a drill? A girl needs to know these things.

So let other people get excited about high-priced hotels with their gaming butlers and XBox set-ups. I know better. Thanks to my little G4 friends, I can stay at the Red Roof and still have fun. Flashtastic!

Kinda like college kids, but with a bigger vocabulary

Do we, as a society, really want British tourists: "Britons are the biggest boozers on holiday and the most likely to get into trouble with police. They are also...the first to run out of money, a survey of holidaymakers from 16 countries by Halifax Travel Insurance has found." I say bring 'em.

Back to shopping

USAToday tells us back-to-school spending is expected to be down from last year but really can't explain why. Parents will "spend significantly less on electronics" but new school dress codes will dictate more purchases of "modest apparel."

Could it be that the idea of back-to-school shopping makes less sense when classes start in the middle of August heatwaves or even continue year-round? Anchor Blue president Tom Bush -- a man who can chant his brand mantra but struggles with definite answers -- describes back-to-school as "a period of time leading into September (and even continues once the kids see who wears what to school) and it does happen earlier and earlier. And there is the 12-month-a-year school." And what happens to back-to-school purchasing when big districts like Dallas adopt school uniforms?

Oh, I know. I shouldn't worry so much. After all, retailers can still count on the kids in Plano.

The money you lose in Vegas stays in Vegas

A few months ago Clear Channel, seemingly the owner of every radio station in America, happily signed on to sponsor Las Vegas' Centennial Celebration. It was not a money-maker. (Who's gonna put down a 99¢ shrimp cocktail at Slots-A-Fun to go see the Red Hot Chili Peppers at a city soccer park?) Now, deciding that civic-mindedness and contract terms really aren't all that, Clear Channel has decided to bill taxpayers for cost overruns. We shouldn't be too hard on Clear Channel, though. They're having a bad year.

Influential or just insular?

A New York Times readers survey, explained.

He counted to a trillion y'all

No matter how limited your audience, no matter how complex the process, someone will always check the accuracy of your ad claims. Hence weasel words.

The $1 million Target ad

Target takes over the New Yorker for an issue. Just because they can. But the illustrations are sweet.

"Happiness in a bottle"

That's how I've always referred to Bombay Sapphire Gin but now Coca-Cola has gone and co-opted it. "Agencies preparing to pitch ideas for Coke Classic's global campaign are working off the brief 'Happiness in a bottle,' sources said. The winning approach will supplant the current 'Real' platform." I'm genuinely eager to see where they go with this.

They seem to have a thing for sports beloved by French-speaking people

The NHL -- a sport always played indoors -- may be coming to the Outdoor Life Network, the channel best known for bringing us the Tour de France. Lynne Kiesling theorizes that "hockey plus cycling offers a portfolio that gives each fan sufficient coverage during their respective seasons that they are willing to keep the subscription even during the off-season." I see. A tag team approach to maintaining audience numbers. It's just nutty enough to work!

Punk'd: The art world edition

Via PYLB, I learned something important. A "secretive 'guerilla' artist" can be so secretive that he refuses to be photographed yet not so secretive as to eschew the services of a media spokeswoman or resist displaying his own press clippings. Now those are some brand-building skills.

Don't get me wrong. I like the guy's work. Even if the feeling's not mutual.

Jane post-Jane

Jane Pratt may be going to Sirius Radio, meaning Jane magazine is losing an editor -- and perhaps its advertisers: "Fashion advertisers such as Donna Karan and Marc Jacobs are already said to be getting skittish...and that can't be good news for a magazine that has been flat this year."

But are advertisers nervous because of Pratt's absence or because the demo of the publication is surprisingly underage? "The mag this year had to forego liquor and tobacco ads because it was found that a large segment of its audience falls below the legal age for consuming the products." I don't think this is the audience Fairchild was hoping for. Nothing kills cache faster than a Clearasil ad.

Can we all fit into The Gap lounge?

Instead of creating genuine buzz among teens and twentysomethings, The Gap's watchmechange viral seems primarily to garner the the attention of business writers. Still, it's worth reading about if only for a very thorough listing of Gap's patently bad decision-making over the past few years and the news that stores will now have "a lounge area to encourage lingering and mingling." Lingering at The Gap? Sure. Because it's just so very, very hard for twenty-five year olds to find places to gather these days.

No wonder that buy-out talk was just a rumor.

Does this count as new media?

Ads printed on eggs. Of course, not a good media choice if you're targeting vegans.

There's a term for that

Right there in the middle of a story about Wal-Mart's latest TV spots, a brilliant new term is coined: "concept envy." Finally. 87% of advertising can now be properly diagnosed.

Nice

Your results may vary but David Brooks claims Americans are getting nicer: "America is becoming more virtuous. Americans today hurt each other less than they did 13 years ago. They are more likely to resist selfish and shortsighted impulses. They are leading more responsible, more organized lives. A result is an improvement in social order...." Of the many reasons cited, rap seems to have been overlooked.

Keep your eye on the ball

Mark Silveira points out a very good ad.

Move him to the sleeping porch, it's so much more comfortable

A Southern writer takes to his bed. Maybe someone should take him a pullet. Or at the very least, some sweet tea.

"We stuck a steeple on it, and you'd never know it wasn't always a church."

The Wall Street Journal recently called Dallas' office real estate market "the worst in the country." But say it with me: there are never problems, only opportunities. Our abandoned commercial properties are now being saved by churches.

Their brains are fried

Our nation's greatest minds cannot figure out why people don't buy wool sweaters in July. Hurricanes? Terrorism? Or the knowledge that all that crap will be marked down two months from now when you really need it?

Oh. And if you're in Texas, happy tax-free weekend! Remember: yes to $99 shoes. No if they're $100.

There really was a valley. And it really was hidden.

The history of Ranch dressing. Pine-Sol and Clorox play crucial roles.

Fine. Keep your CDs.

Another day, another record company doing something to piss me off. Is there any other industry so arrogant that it both ignores quality AND harasses its consumers?

Share your thoughts, as long as they're our thoughts too

You know you can't curse like a sailor but did you realize you can't be, well, honest? At least if the online retailer is editing customer reviews. "While more sites recognize the potential for product reviews to build customer trust and loyalty, many are fearful that negative reviews might annoy manufacturers or hurt sales." That kind of thinking is almost quaint, isn't it? A true vestige of a past era. But the smart ones are learning: "Manufacturers also see product reviews as a tool to gain direct customer feedback, instead of using focus groups."

Does Splenda have some splainin' to do?

What's an artificial sweetener to do? You try to build a little brand awareness but then your competitors go and call bullshit on you. It's a class-action cluster. And it's a real problem: should competitors be allowed to cripple you with expensive lawsuits? Should they be able to harass you into not advertising? And why didn't I go to law school so I could get rich off of all this?

TV's newest new newsy news show

There are the concerned few who really want to help but for others, it's simply too much fun to criticize new Current. It's not the concept so much. No, what seems to irritate everyone most about Current is that it's trying "way too hard to be 'down' with the kids." Interesting. Of all people, Current staffers should have known that cool is out.

I hope Current evolves into something interesting, fun and totally exploitable for advertising purposes. It's got potential. But so far, I think I've seen the format before. It was called Hot Dog.

Viral marketing, this and that

She keeps her clothes on and still this is quite shocking -- because it's from the formerly conservative people at Procter & Gamble. What's going on up there in Cincinnati? Oh. That.

Like William Hurt in Broadcast News, I don't know what crosses the line if the line keeps moving

The Caffeine Goddess tackles the subject of product placement in magazines and highlights this AdAge quote from a very self-assured Jane columnist: "I want readers to know my content hasn’t been dictated by advertising."

Oops. Too late.

I hardly have a good memory. Still, just in the past few days -- just while avoiding actual work to read the usual blogs -- several remarks seem to indicate that content is, let's say, shaped by advertisers. There's this Glenn Reynolds reaction to a Richard Posner article on blogs in which Posner argues the NYTimes, in order to "finance its large staff depends on advertising revenues and hence on the good will of advertisers.... These dependences constrain a newspaper in a variety of ways."

Or in a KausFiles post about Chrysler, there's this throwaway line: "Mercedes reliability did go to hell under Schrempp. The AP story run by WaPo ignores this rather important factor. (It's not the sort of thing newspapers are comfortable saying.)"

You say "comfortable." I say "dictated."

Reynolds himself asks "when did you last see a local paper do a big expose on car dealers or grocery stores?" Well, a local Dallas station did try reporting on Ford but when faced with losing ad dollars, they used their sister newspaper to repair the damage. And we're not even talking about magazines like InStyle or the lifestyle section of local papers, which are pure, pure product placements. (Aren't beauty editors, when not stocking their own shelves with swag, merely ad facilitators?) There may be real ethics to hash out here, but there's a lot of alarmist, self-important rhetoric that gets in the way. Hell, even ads get in the way. Yesterday, AdRants invited readers to comment on Gawker's unappealing sponsored date placers but to read the comments, you have to scroll past a Hewlett-Packard ad that looks just like, you guessed it, a regular AdRants post.

I guess it's good in a way. It's progress, right? After all, we've come a long way from the advertorial.

Coke, at long last, proves to be aptly named

Coca-Cola has plans for a new drink, one that "is said to burn 50 to 100 calories just by drinking a 12-oz. serving" and will be marketed to "active lifestyle consumers." Finally, the perfect endorsement deal for Lindsay Lohan.

Lesson: Disney-hating is not a business plan

The live-action side of DreamWorks is not doing well either. David Geffen claims that content "is too expensive to produce," Well, yeah. Another possibility: old, unimaginative, out-of-touch studio executives are too expensive to retain.

Giving Hollywood the respect it deserves

Filthy Critic, I think I love you.

Do these jeans make me look pathetic?

Does it ever feel like The Gap does a good job of manufacturing PR but can't sell a stitch of clothing? Their new plan: give away a free iTunes download to shoppers who try on jeans. That's a big 99¢ pay day, so hurry in. You don't want to miss out on the freshest, most novel promotion ever. Or at least since Pepsi.

The Gap will then kick off "print and television ads that will feature a cast of musicians including singers Alanis Morissette, Joss Stone, Michelle Williams." It's an idea re-generation bandwagon! So let me plagiarize Ernie Schenck and ask: "maybe instead of beating the celebrity drum to death, any chance you might want to consider an actual concept for once?"

Hammered

I have never doubted the marketing genius of Home Depot since that day two years ago when I, a single woman with no carpentry skills, bought a shop vac. Now Home Depot is the nation's #2 retailer behind Wal-Mart. How'd that happen? It starts with an always-tinkering CEO whose business plan sounds vaguely like world domination: "'Home Depot will provide components to the infrastructure around your home. There will be materials provided from Home Depot in the road around your home. The water you drink will be transported through valves and pipes that Home Depot will supply. The hotel room that you stay in will be supported by Home Depot from construction to décor.'"

When that's done, Home Depot department managers will then invoke first-night rights in their local markets. But not to worry. All will be made right once they open their own convenience stores.

McQuestion

Did McDonalds just announce their new relationship with DreamWorks Animation because they're oblivious to impending scandal or because they want to act before things get really, really bad?

Now there's a mental image we can all appreciate

There are many lessons in today's Lloyd Grove column. The faithfulness of husbands, the vicissitudes of young love, even the hazards of hotel-magazine distribution deals -- which leads to this enchanting description of how Lollapalooza has changed: "'everything became designed to take kids by their ankles and shake all the cash out of their baggy jeans.'"

Can an old medium even have a new era?

For the first time ever, a Spanish-language radio station has topped our local Arbitron ratings. The Dallas Morning News claims this "milestone heralds a new era in Dallas radio, one where advertisers can no longer dismiss Spanish-language radio as simply a niche format." Maybe. Or maybe radio in general can be dismissed as simply a niche format.

I don't want to say that DMN may have missed a larger story here, but DMN may have missed a larger story here. Is all this a sign that non-Spanish speakers, by comparison, just aren't listening to radio anymore? Do Hispanics who prefer to speak Spanish listen to the radio because they have yet to embrace newer media? And most important, does this mean that Hispanic stations can finally get a payola scandal of their very own?

See what I mean. Larger stories, all of 'em.

People and their places

A Chuck E. Cheese for adults? History will long note this day. But for now, we must have more Starbucks! With more mood-setting compilation CDs! Because people like cheerfulness.

A real corker

For the first time ever, more Americans prefer wine to beer. I blame the flatulent horse.

They don't have good hands and they're not good neighbors

Seth Stevenson at Slate calls Geico's "Tiny House" the best ad on TV. I think he might want to tap the brake there just a bit. But Stevenson does make an excellent point about Geico's overall strategy. Instead of trying to appeal to everyone with one bland campaign, Geico scattershoots with wildly different mini-campaigns aimed at different segments. It's a nervy departure from the "trust us" posture of every other auto insurer. And it seems appropriate for a comparatively new company selling direct to consumers. But does it work? "While its competitors are running lots of dour ads that exploit our fear of accidents, Geico stands out from the clutter with its oddball humor and lighthearted tone. The company has managed to inject fun into a product that we resent having to buy." That's the brilliant part.

As for "Tiny House," AdJab is worried: "In this day and age, any ad that manages to fool us is undoubtedly smart. Now we must ask ourselves what the world has come to when such a premise seems completely believable."

Does your magazine have a self-esteem problem? Take this short quiz to find out!

Jann Wenner is planning a new magazine, one "aimed at being a one-stop read for busy women. Stories about real-life experiences and high-profile crimes will mix with celebrity coverage, plus lifestyle and fashion features." Ought to be successful. That's the exact same format as primetime cable news.

But some of us find that a one-stop read is still too, too time-consuming. So we turn to new Quick & Easy with "vibrant-colored sidebars and graphics." Which sounds like the exact same format as a web page. There seems to be a lesson here. If you aren't part of the new media, maybe you can do what women's magazines have always advocated and just fake it.

Quote of the day

This: "Lock me in a room with a computer, an original San Andreas DVD and a binary-file editor, and I will be able to unlock the stuff in a matter of minutes."

I was locked in a room with a binary-file editor one time. It was fun but two months later, he left me for a guy. Oh wait. Maybe I'm confused.

It's the real brand

Interbrand has ranked the world's most valuable brands. Coke is #1. NotBillable is not mentioned.

The more you ignore advertising, the more it surrounds you

We wanted this to be professional. Efficient, adroit, cooperative, not a lot to ask. Alas, consumers refused to sit through our TV commercials so we went to plan B. Which lately means TiVo pop-up ads while you forward, automatically updated movie trailers on your hard drive and full-motion, 15-second ads within your video games. You will watch!

One question though. Will new game ratings and regulations discourage or attract advertisers? Because apparently cop-killing violence is OK but sex is too upsetting.

UPDATE: Ask and AdAge shall answer.

Damn. I'm a fad that is so over.

CNET takes a stroll down ol' memory lane and ranks the Top 10 Web Fads. Alarmingly, Blogger is number 9. More alarmingly, the guys at Jib Jab are number 10.

Ad revenue is a good thing

While some are sensitive enough to worry -- and worry -- about her soul, Martha Stewart is set to save at least her business empire. It won't be easy. The magazine that brings in a third of her company's revenue has seen "more than 65% of its ad volume [disappear] between 2002 and 2004." But Martha's a game girl whose fans really, really want to like her. So much so they have asked her to blog. Yesss. Please, please, please, Martha, you must do it. I don't want to go another 24 hours without learning which hired underling deserves to be run over and why.

The strange appeal of Jared Fogle

From the department of "and the horse you rode in on:" Subway fired their agency Goodby, Silverstein & Partners and, possibly, the marketing director who chose them. But here's the shocker. "Subway executives have said when ads featuring Mr. Fogle stop running, sales dropped as much as 10%." Is that believable? Goodby had tried to jettison Jared but they should have known better. You can't fight a guy whose popularity may be based on an enormous porn collection.

I am a fan of baseball promotional nights

Mainly because they tend to be weird. And therefore fun. It's marketing at its most imaginative and Faith Nights are no exception. "Churches, like thousands of other organizations, had outings to ballparks before with discounts on group tickets. But Faith Nights go further: They have become a marketing tool, targeting churches with promotional campaigns. And they provide entertainment and specific activities geared to those fans." Like a Moses bobblehead. Or VeggieTale trivia games. Always remember: "'God doesn't want us not to have fun.'"

The diaper business gets messy

Dallas's own Kimberly-Clarke announces that 6000 of their employees will be asked to seek CEO opportunities. But the company won't announce which employees. Thus demoralizing all 62,000 of their workforce.

The problem seems to be efficiency. Tissues -- especially the new anti-viral ones that appeal so effectively to our inner Howard Hughes -- and diapers are posting big sales, but the Huggies price war with Pampers has been brutal. And oh yeah, blame Wal-Mart: "The job cuts 'reflect the changing relationship with Wal-Mart and the other big retailers that have reduced suppliers' pricing power.'" In other words, Kimberly-Clarke needs to make 'em cheaper and faster. How do you say "plant relocation" in Bangladeshi?

But the real lesson may be this: "'Historically larger firms are not the job creators, they are the job shedders in America.'"

Must love ads

Important movements in history often begin as a lone voice in the wilderness. Just so with AdAge's bold new stand against product placement. They start by revealing that the movie Must Love Dogs may in fact be one artfully created infomercial: "The script, originally written with a generic online dating service, now includes numerous mentions and placements for PerfectMatch.com....PerfectMatch.com has three placements in the movie trailer alone."

Then Rance Cain shocks us all by explaining "Why Product Placement Does Not Equal Brand Building." Bad news if you were in on the Herbie deal. Good news if this prediction comes true: "it won’t be long before movie companies will let people into theaters free to drive DVD sales."

Job news, part 3

Citigroup's Sandy Weill is rich enough. Now he wants to leave his job to start a private equity fund with a Saudi prince. (I can't tell you how many times I've come close to doing that exact same thing.) There's just one hitch: Citigroup won't continue to pay his bonus or let him use the company jet after he leaves. So Weill may not be meeting his prince so soon.

Most employees get mad and quit. Only the very privileged can get mad and threaten to stay.

Job news, part 2

Women who take time off to have children have trouble re-entering the workforce. Hardly news. But this kind of thinking might be: "staffing strategy for superior talent could possibly come from an ilk of lost stars—women and men (primarily women) who had given up their promising careers to become stay-at-home moms...the creation of an agency environment that uses these mothers in a part-time fashion while giving them benefits that would truly help them at home and make their lives easier would create a staff of highly motivated, talented, and eager-to-be-stimulated people."

The Mommy Agency? Well, if the business doesn't work out, you could always pitch it as a movie idea. "9 to 5" meets "Look Who's Talking." A Holly Hunter vehicle.

Job news, part 1

Depending on which USAToday article you read, full-time employment either has great benefits or next to no upside. First: "self-employment plunged last month as entrepreneurs sought steadier income and benefits with established companies." But then there's this: "Many companies are likely to ask workers to pay more for their insurance, and rising health care costs mean companies may dole out lower raises." So take the job for the health plan or quit to start freelancing because the health plan sucks. Whatever. Just don't send any resumes to Hewlett-Packard.

Shona Seifert's new street cred

ADWEEK has more Seifert details, the best of which is that she'll likely serve her sentence at a Danbury, Connecticut facility. Sound familiar? With good reason. That's the same minimum security prison that will house recently sentenced rapper Lil Kim. Let the beautiful friendship and long-lasting business collaboration begin!

Why should the trees suffer?

Former Y&R senior partner Shona Seifert, sentenced to jail for overbilling a government client, is also required by the judge to write an ethics guidebook for ad agencies. I'll clear a space on the shelf right now. It will make a perfect companion edition to Martha's how-to business book.

A more interesting exercise might have been to require TBWA/Chiat/Day to explain why they hired Seifert as president when she was facing trial.

Are you for real?

Because there are authors other than JK Rowling, publishers have to think of some way to sell all those books. Their solution: blogs written by fictional characters.

Sorta like that whole tree falling in the forest question

All the outrage over Chevy's all-star game banner may not matter. The ratings are in and apparently no one was watching.

Somebody give Bud Selig a hug. Gosh darn it, he tried.

"Citigroup pres/COO leaves bank to seek CEO opportunities"

That's a crawl I just read on TV and, really, isn't it the most brilliantly worded sentence you've ever seen? CEO opportunities? Why, of course! Stepping down, parting ways, getting laid off, leaving to spend more time with family -- these terms are so inadequate now. They utterly fail to convey any sense of self-worth or expectation for the future. So take a pledge with me now: we, all of us, will never be "jobless" again. We will simply be "seeking CEO opportunities."

Quote of the day

From this: "it's worth noting that women overwhelmingly are the ones who shop for everything, including men's wear."

Paper money

Maybe this will inspire a cute little chart on page one of the Money section. Or maybe not. The publisher of USAToday saw profits drop 4.5% last quarter. "Advertising demand, while growing at local papers, fell nationally as automakers and political groups cut spending." The good news for Gannett: that's changing even as we blog. But one thing will not improve. As "the largest owner of NBC affiliates," Gannett's broadcast unit is in for a colorless fall season.

And just so you know, "growing at local papers" means 3%. You could probably read about that yourself but you'd have to get past the false cover.

Hand me down my walking cane

It's OK. We've missed the Rubberband man too.

The view from my banana seat

I know only 2 things about the Tour de France: first, Lance Armstrong has won it for, like, 184 straight years and second, today is a very good sign he might win again.

Which brings up a question: what do you think of Armstrong's new Nike 10//2 TV spot? Some have had their doubts about so plainly focusing on Armstrong's cancer but I find the ad well-done, restrained and profoundly moving. And it's Lance's story, right? He can use it to inspire others. He can laugh at it in Dodgeball. He can talk about it in a TV commercial. And he can use it to persuade a corporation like Nike to help cancer patients. Whether we approve or not seems beside the point.

Finally, let us feel just a tad sorry for the Tour. This is Lance's last appearance in the race and when he retires, no one on this side of the Atlantic may ever think of the event again.

Get 'em Lance.

Live from Lincoln Center: "It's very much happiness"

How does Lincoln Center sell tickets to people who don't read the New Yorker? Or, for that matter, speak English? "Founded in 1996 as a celebration of Western and non-Western artistic forms, the Lincoln Center Festival, perhaps more than any other in the city, relies on the enthusiasm of local foreign residents...to fill seats." But reaching this audience takes old-fashioned work. For the staging "of an Indonesian epic, members of the Lincoln Center marketing team - read, interns - approached Indonesian mosques in Long Island City and Indonesian restaurants in Park Slope. It dropped fliers at an Indonesian-owned bank on Wall Street, a South Asian martial arts studio in the Flower District, and even a couple of yoga studios in SoHo."

Naturally this reminded me of Kentucky. Maybe the message here is that selling the arts takes a marketing team as creative and hard-working as the onstage artists.

"Own a word"

Good advice from Al Ries in AdAge: "What’s your brand? If you can’t answer that question about your own brand in two or three words, your brand’s in trouble. Powerful, long-lasting brands are built by owning a word in the mind. What’s a Volvo? A safe car."

It's hard. Companies, like well-meaning people, want to please everyone: "A few years ago the CEO of Wal-Mart’s ad agency was asked, 'What would you say is Wal-Mart’s USP?'...Without hesitation, he replied: 'Value, loyalty and quality.'" But you can't have all three because you have to focus. To own a word, you have to make a decision. You have to know who you are and who the customer is.

To own a word, you have to buy a clue.

The little idea that couldn't

If you have DirecTV, you've now seen their NFL Sunday Ticket spot 2,387,495 times. You hear the opening notes of the re-worked Willy Wonka musical number and like a bullet to the brainpan, your instinct to live is shattered. Or is it just me?

And you have to ask why. Because, when you think about it, the spot probably seemed funny in the conceptual stage. Forget about the finished product as we know it and imagine how you'd describe the idea at the initial presentation: take an existing song, camp up the lyrics, have it performed by a totally unexpected singer and choreograph the whole thing with plenty of zany background action. Which is also how you'd described the idea behind this spot. So why does the DirectTV commercial blow so very hard and Burger King's doesn't?

Execution, right? DirecTV chose a lackluster tune and an unappealing actor who can't sing. They went with a neighborhood backdrop instead of something fanciful or reminiscent of a 193Os Hollywood soundstage. They wasted the potential of an impressive cast of pro players. And they never, ever pushed the idea to its full zany potential or tried to include a single surprising element -- not even a hint of Vida ass. And that's just sad. It wasn't a big idea, but it wasn't a bad one either. Without inspired execution, it's just another 30 seconds to TiVo through. Hundreds of times a day.

A million here, a million there

Reagan Greer is a man for our times. He shuns both truthful advertising and humble resignation announcements. But not everyone can appreciate his special brand of genius. After promoting false jackpot amounts not once but four times, Greer, the Texas Lottery director, has been forced to resign. "In a prepared statement released Friday, Mr. Greer noted that the lottery contributes $1 billion annually to schools.... But he came under fire in recent weeks...for his staff's decision to advertise the Lotto Texas jackpot at $8 million – even though ticket sales would support a jackpot of only about $6.5 million."

And congratulations to the government oversight committees, investigative journalists and law enforcement officials who courageously stood down while a solitary blogger checked Greer's math and called for punishment. Well played.

Maybe a little too energetic

Dude. Whaddaya feedin' that cat?

It's been a hard week for the fellows in Ft. Worth

Poor American Airlines. First, their big new ad campaign produced a grand prize winner who refused his prize and shot them the bird. And today, their battle against this region's only profitable airline took an unfortunate turn when DFW Airport checked the wind direction and decided they really, really do want Southwest Airlines to fly out of their airport.

Well, I feel better. How 'bout you?

Shocking news from the world of medicine: doctors admit they might not know it all. "Four in 10 doctors said they received no training in medical school on prescribing controlled substances; more than one-half received no training on identifying prescription drug abuse or addiction. Three-fourths said they had no training in medical school identifying diversion of prescription drugs for illicit purposes."

The reason is, of course, advertising. That's what I read in the papers anyway. "Frist said advertising pushes consumers to ask for drugs they may not need. That pressure can also influence physicians to prescribe those medications or change the prescription...." Advertising might also raise awareness of medical conditions consumers might not know are treatable but that's not important right now. Or it might motivate consumers to visit a doctor when they otherwise wouldn't but that's not important either. What matters is government wants drug companies to impose an ad ban on themselves which Bristol-Myers has obediently already done.

So to re-cap: even though they admit they receive little to no prescription training -- even though they wilt under the slightest pressure from patients but presumably will stand up firmly to future overtures from drug companies -- doctors will be trusted to stay on top of every new pharmaceutical development. Because they have that kind of down time. And consumers, the big brutes, will just have to suffer.

Tom's love, Wendy's chili and the growing irrelevancy of facts

I don't want this to be all about Tom Cruise because, dear Lord, who among us can take more of that? But when Ernie Schenck discusses Cruise as a brand, he asks, "What if Cruise actually is in love with Holmes?"

To which I must answer, "Does it matter?"

Did it matter that Wendy's wasn't responsible for a severed finger in their chili? Apparently not; business suffered anyway. Does is matter that shark attacks are statistically rare? No, because the prevailing view in our world is that sharks are everywhere. Everywhere!

It's tricky when the facts are on your side but the public isn't. Seth Godin says "changing a worldview requires you to get your prospects to admit that they were wrong. This is awfully hard to do....tapping into a worldview almost always requires more than a new title or a new wrapper or a new ad. I think it requires rethinking the product itself." Is this possible for odd humans and large restaurant franchises? For Cruise, whose brand is surely damaged within his own industry, that might mean fewer talk show appearances, more roles in indie films and most important a moratorium on public displays of Katie. All of a sudden, he could be an artist instead of a freakshow.

Wendy's took what seemed like the right steps to recovery -- intense investigation, public disclosure even free Frostys -- but these rational measures failed to address the emotional "ick" factor. A better idea would have been not to serve chili for a while. Off the menu and out of people's minds. At least until the weather turns cold and everyone remembers they like it.

Sometimes you just need to remove the very thing that's the problem. Even if there is, in fact, no problem. Because honesty doesn't always equal sincerity and the facts don't always matter.