Maybe we should give hockey back to Canada

Can a new ad campaign help the NHL? "Two weeks after the NHL drew an anemic 0.7 rating for its All-Star game, the country's No. 4 sports league is amping up a marketing campaign that attempts not to explain the game or showcase the talents of its players, but rather to show its highest-wattage stars as normal people." Well, luck to 'em. They need it.

The road for Helo is paved with good intentions

What bothered you most about the latest Battlestar Galactica -- the Hippocratic Oath reference, Chip-Gauis, or that the catastrophic decision-making processes of Helo, who was finally right about something, will now continue unchecked?

Building on the theme of inane, out-dated reporting styles

Women just aren't into morning shows anymore. I know what you're thinking: how could this be? "It's difficult to trace the exact cause of the drop. It comes after two popular morning hosts, Katie Couric and Charles Gibson, left their shows.... At the same time, the advent of 'mommy blogs,' the growing popularity of online news sites and the ever-more-frantic press of daily life appear to have led many women to forgo the morning ritual of watching TV. News executives are sanguine about the ratings dip, calling it a short-term fluctuation. They attribute it in large part to the unseasonably mild winter in much of the country until recently."

Yes, blame everything but the shows themselves -- an excellent response to change! Of all the commentary, I think I like this best: "Those shows' producers may be the first ever to go broke by underestimating the intelligence of the American public."

I mean, isn't that part of the problem? In the minds of producers -- and women's magazines editors who, oh look!, are facing declining revenue too -- women's content = dumb stories, delivered in dumb way. And I'm not even talking about Matt Lauer interviewing Miss USA. Here's the vice president of morning broadcasts for CBS News: "these morning shows on the networks have been so feminized. It's always, 'How to catch your cheating husband,' not 'How to catch your cheating wife.' " It makes me kinda queasy that he thinks this is feminization when in reality it's just stupidity. And why would anyone devote news resources to a subject handled so much more deftly on "Cheaters?"

At least TV executives aren't too down about this; they just have to wait it out, like Jim Bell, NBC Today executive producer: "I maintain the foundation of the morning is perfectly stable and fine. I suspect that when there are big, breaking news stories or significant weather events, we will grow." Take a moment and think about what he seems to be relying on there. You have a heckuva business plan, Jimmy!

I'll bet cash money that Erin White has never even touched that skirt

It's not even clever to mock fashion reporting but I think this Proenza Schouler at Target story with its OMG!OMG!OMG! tone is especially horrific. Predictably, it reads like a press release: "They're a part of Target's Go International movement, which brings the work of young, successful designers to the mass market chain." (Thank you reporter lady, for 'splaining that!) Even the photography was supplied by Target so no one had to so much as leave their desk to create this story.

Honestly, maybe the real issue here is that I'm now officially sick of Target. I think it was the Beatles song that did it.

But back to Proenza Schouler: watch those buttons!

This is why Mimi Swartz is my all-time hero. For her Slate article, she tries on Target clothing and critiques it not only for what Ms White would call its "killer" look but for construction and fit. You can probably guess the conclusion -- "real fashion fanatics always want cheap, stylish clothes that don't look, well, cheap, and these new lines don't always solve that problem." Two years later, it's still one helluva relevant article.

They're doin' choreography

If you're in New York City today, can you do me a favor? Can you go see Big Dance Theater and tell me how it is? Because today's the last day for their new work based in part on the language of corporate meetings: "Layered with the company's fearless fusion of dance, music and visual design,...[a] beautiful projected carp leads the audience through...the Million Dollar Round Table--the global conference of life insurance salespeople." Well, who doesn't appreciate a carp? And motivational speeches -- re-purposed for the arts? Seriously now, I would love to see that.

Old Baylie

I hesitate to link to this Ed Bark post because the photo of Dale Hansen will, quite possibly, burn your retinae. (Really: are Hawaiian shirts required for old guys now?) Try to scroll down quickly, though, because at the end there's an interesting note about Baylie Brown. Remember her from Tuesday's Idol? So small-town, so Texan, so -- how do you say? -- professionally handled:

"There's also a very polished bayliebrown.com Web site. Or at least there was....It's now been rerouted to 'Austin Lane Technologies,' apparently in an effort to re-position Baylie as the wide-eyed innocent portrayed on Idol instead of the slickly marketed phenom who 'has all the ingredients to emerge as country music's newest superstar.' The suddenly vanished site ...included a gallery of very professional looking glamour shots and a way to 'spice up your computer with one of our exclusive Baylie downloads.' ...And her CD, Big Trouble, is touted as a 'must for all contemporary and traditional country music fans.'"

A spicy download of a 16-year old? Y'all!

"13% said they don’t like the crowds in the theater"

Have you read Zogby's movie survey? It's presented as an indictment of the kind of movies Hollywood's been making, but there might be another problem: "The majority (63%) said they would rather have free unlimited DVD rentals with no late fees for a year than a year’s worth of free unlimited movie passes (30%)." Seems that we like movies. We just don't like each other.

So much for that "shared social experience."

Just in case Sir Paul was running low on funds

Roger Friedman explains the Apple-Apple accord: "The Beatles likely will receive a royalty on iPods and from other Apple hardware that produces music. It's no small change, either. In exchange, Apple will get The Beatles to back off. What's not resolved is whether The Beatles' songs will ever be available on iTunes. I'm told the answer is yes, but not just yet. In the meantime, by holding out, The Beatles continue to rake in a mint by making fans buy their CDs."

But will he send Donald Trump crashing into the Spanish announcers table?

The rivalry with Vince McMahon continues apace and how can you not be entertained? Last night when Mr. McMahon claimed that fans don't want free money -- no, what fans really want is value -- did you not laugh? Just a little? Or were you too horrified by the specter that is Ric Flair?

Oh, and judging only from the advertisers, the RAW audience seems to be obsessed with sex and Skittles. But really: who isn't?

She's not a failure!

After 180 days as Penney COO, Catherine West "was terminated involuntarily due to her failure to satisfy performance objectives" and was paid $10 million. The transition from the credit card business to the retailing world just wasn't a smooth one. But Ms West is not discouraged: "'Absolutely I would go into retail again,' she said. 'I'm captivated by it.'" What pluck!

You know, at first I wanted to be mean about this, to make some kind of sweeping generalization about executives, their sense of entitlement and the sorriness of people overall. Now I think Ms West might be a genius. She's actually figured out a way to get corporate America to fund her mid-life crisis. When most people want to pursue second careers, they accept that there will be a period of sacrifice. At the very least, they may have to put themselves on a budget while going back to school or getting training. But Catherine West is up $10 million and still looking. Fabulous!

But what did the anarchists prefer?

People like McDonalds coffee better than Starbucks. The only surprise here is that Consumer Reports had to do a test to find this out. The puddle of water/gas/oil in my driveway is preferable to Starbucks coffee and this is, I think, the secret of their success. It's the latte, stupid. And the way everyone who works there seems genuinely nice. I mean, it's like they've internalized the six rules. Every day in every way.

Which brings me to this. It's difficult but I feel like we've known each other long enough that I can finally -- finally -- admit it freely and honestly: I love Starbucks. Don't judge me! I especially love their drive-thru locations. Don't judge me! That one in Grand Prairie? Down the road from the horse track? It's the only thing that can make driving I-30 bearable. The one on Cockrell Hill Road is nice too, particularly when you're getting your tires worked on at that Wal-Mart across the street. Don't you dare judge me!

Cynthia Harriss is suddenly free for lunch next week

Gap's president is gone, as Anonymous hinted she should and would be. But this is disappointing: "Marka Hansen, who for three years has led the smaller and more upscale Banana Republic chain, will take over at Gap." Did they have to poach someone from the successful side of the business? Would a total outsider have been better?

Alex W. Smith says yes. Or more precisely, people who think Alex W. Smith can turn around Pier 1 say yes: '"It’s certainly a positive that they brought in someone from the outside,' said Cid Wilson, an analyst at Kevin Dann & Partners....'Bringing someone from the outside changes the corporate culture. My concerns are that there are some things that I think are going to be tougher for him to turn around, particularly the fact that Pier 1 has seen a lot of pressure from competitors.'" Yes. Can't do much about the competition. Better just to cut jobs and keep hoping that wicker -- the hoodie of the furniture world? -- suddenly takes off.

There is good news at least for Marka Hansen: look at all the free advice! I do suggest, though, skipping right over Godin's comments. Complete buzzkill.

Why does Javier get to keep his job?

Who looks worse here: "Joya Williams, 41, is accused of conspiring with two men to sell documents and drink samples belonging to Atlanta-based Coca-Cola....Williams worked for Javier Sanchez Lamelas, vice president for trademarks in Coca-Cola's global brand marketing division. Sanchez testified that there was never a reason for Williams to take the materials home. On cross-examination, he said he didn't think she was smart enough to know what a trade secret was, much less carry out the alleged conspiracy."

He's the VP of Trademarks and his staff may be unclear on the whole trade secret concept? Nice.

In space, no one can hear you inhale

For the first time in a long while, I'm listening to Ron Moore's podcast and: is he smoking during his commentary? Yes? Is there no end to this man's appeal?

But listen. About half-way through -- just as he's discussing the various marriage difficulties portrayed on the show -- his wife enters to ask if he's smoking. Too funny! And: again appealing, as he states that "the smoking lamp is lit."

A handy list of who to blame

I always thought it was children's advertising that made us fat -- I mean, everyone says so -- but according to Micheal Pollan, there's a whole slew of possible culprits, including researchers, journalists, ranchers, government in general and George McGovern in particular. There's not a single mention of the advertising copywriter anywhere. Whew!

Then again, maybe I'm so strung out on Twizzlers that I've focused on the wrong thing here. Because this essay helpfully explains how language, when it comes to food at least, has become so very distorted:

"[G]overnment dietary guidelines would shun plain talk about whole foods, each of which has its trade association on Capitol Hill, and would instead arrive clothed in scientific euphemism and speaking of nutrients, entities that few Americans really understood but that lack powerful lobbies in Washington. This was precisely the tack taken by the National Academy of Sciences when it issued its landmark report on diet and cancer in 1982. Organized nutrient by nutrient in a way guaranteed to offend no food group, it codified the official new dietary language. Industry and media followed suit, and terms like polyunsaturated, cholesterol, monounsaturated, carbohydrate, fiber, polyphenols, amino acids and carotenes soon colonized much of the cultural space previously occupied by the tangible substance formerly known as food. The Age of Nutritionism had arrived. The first thing to understand about nutritionism....it is not a scientific subject but an ideology."

And as we all know, government guidelines are nothing if not potential copy points waiting to be tweaked. The "food industry set about re-engineering thousands of popular food products to contain more of the nutrients that science and government had deemed the good ones and less of the bad....The Year of Eating Oat Bran — also known as 1988 — served as a kind of coming-out party....Oat bran’s moment on the dietary stage didn’t last long, but the pattern had been established, and every few years since then a new oat bran has taken its turn under the marketing lights. (Here comes omega-3!)"

What's not mentioned, of course, is personal preference. Even if claims were reliable and guidelines were trustworthy, the truth is -- deep-down -- yeah we want Cheesy Poofs.

I wouldn't have been inspired to go the comedic route

Ethanol production and its unintended consequences. It all may or may not change anyone's thinking. But a news spoof whose essential message is "Let them eat cake," seems especially cruel.

A man's job, sir.

Edward James Olmos on agreeing to do Battlestar: "we talked about Blade Runner, and I said, 'There was a door that was opened there that nobody ever walked in. Everybody walked through the door of Star Wars, but nobody walked through the door of Blade Runner.' I said, 'If you really want to do that, then I'm game to join up, but I'm going to be very honest: The first four-eyed creature I see, I'll faint. I will faint on camera, and I will be off the show.' I just didn't want to go that route."

Sundance and Davos

Are you like me? Do you constantly get these two momentous events mixed up? Finally, I think I've come up with a way to remember which is which: Sundance gets the serious artists; Davos gets the serious thinkers. And our lives are enriched because of it!

Also, Sundance is the one run by a really old guy.

"I don't know whether I should watch her or pray to her."

Taken in the right spirit -- which is to say, the spirit in which it's intended -- this post and the ensuing comments could do more for a girl's self-image than a world of Dove ads.

"It looks like the best scenario is to turn the business around"

That's analyst Gabrielle Kivitz -- Deutsche Bank analyst Gabrielle Kivitz -- explaining the options left for Gap now that Paul Pressler is finally leaving.

But who can do it? Who can fight gravity? Who can undo the damage of a dancing dead Audrey Hepburn? The wise and knowledgable commentor Anonymous wonders "if they have called Allen Questrom yet?" Hmm. All signs point to yes. Evidently, the search for an effective fashion-retail executive can be startling similar to hiring just the right NFL head coach.

But for now, I'm wondering if there aren't immediate lessons we can glean from the Gap story. First, this: "After joining Gap, Pressler focused on trimming debt...and buying more merchandise from lower-cost factories." Cheap, though, also has to be fast. As Virginia Postrel has pointed out: "If being stylish means having the look of the moment, fast fashion is truly democratizing style. That creates an uncomfortable situation for businesses and individuals who depend on trendiness to create customer value and maintain personal status." Uncomfortable, indeed.

Second: let's call it the Curse of the Dead Shill. The cabbage-patching cartoon Colonel Sanders, Applebee's Rat Pack and Gap -- see a pattern? So, you know: re-animate corpses at your own risk. Orville?

How excited am I that Idol is back?

Very.

More things to think about as we wait for June

Tenspotting presents 10 not-so-great things about the iPhone. I'm with 'em on cingular.

Better than schools, murder rate, ability to cope with cold weather

Dallas team uniforms: far from the best but not the worst. Yay!

Channel 4 is on top of this blog thing -- so keep blogging them!

While waiting on the 07 Ice Storm that was not to be, I got all caught up with Channel 4's new initiative: blogging! They're into it! And they're here to help! From the Channel 4 site: "Chip Mahaney tells you how to blog about the North Texas weather event."

Saturday afternoon, when Ron Jackson invited viewers to "keep blogging us," I giggled but gave it little thought. He's a weather guy. What use does he have for blogs? I mean, really? But when newsanchors started showing photos, each one from a "blogger," my brow furrowed. Are these really blogs? Do would-be bloggers really want "exclusives like: Exclusive Local News, Weather, Sports, Traffic, Entertainment Blogs, and your own Blog....thousands of local images, possibly breaking news images! Be part of the action of the best car chase, weather storm, sports event!" Also, are writing tips included?

Oh, I was going to make such fun of this! But then: let he who is without a freebie blog host cast the first stone. I'll only add that before a news channel seeks to promote their own online efforts, it might be a good idea for on-air talent to be familiar with concepts as well as buzzwords.

"If I spill, my life ain't worth a nickel"

Troublesome news for former Hewlett-Packard Ethics Officers. But not suprising. It's always some punk kid that will spoil your Johnny Friendly fun.

Business pages indeed

"Payments to prostitutes," "lurid tales of sex tours and prostitutes" and "accusations of payments to...the former head of the...works council, and his lover" -- automotive news is fun!

Things to think about as we wait for June

From Lev Grossman's iPhone review:

- "When our tools don't work, we tend to blame ourselves, for being too stupid or not reading the manual or having too-fat fingers. 'I think there's almost a belligerence—people are frustrated with their manufactured environment,' says [Apple's lead designer Jonathan] Ive. “We tend to assume the problem is with us, and not with the products we're trying to use.'" Maybe there's a lesson in there somewhere for WalMart.

- "A college dropout, whose biological parents gave him up for adoption, Jobs has presided over four major game-changing product launches: the Apple II, the Macintosh, the iPod, and the iPhone; five if you count the release of Pixar's Toy Story." Which is why even reasonable stuff like this is kinda tiresome. He's not a nice guy -- got it. When's that phone gonna be ready again?

- "One reason there's limited innovation in cell phones generally is that the cell carriers have stiff guidelines that the manufacturers have to follow. They demand that all their handsets work the same way.... Jobs demanded special treatment from his phone service partner, Cingular, and he got it. He even forced Cingular to re-engineer its infrastructure...." Awesome. Do you know anyone who likes their carrier? Anyone?

And the coup de grace:

- "I can’t think of a comparable company that does no—zero—market research with its customers."

It's been forever since we talked about Battlestar Galactica

Since TVTattle made it sound like everybody knew, I followed the link and kept reading past the spoiler alert. I now regret this and strongly recommend you avoid doing the same. Try to find something else to occupy your mind. Here: Six is going to be in Playboy!

Also, have we ever discussed Firefly? Or my theory that NYPDBlue went downhill after Abandando broke it off with Medavoy?

Blogger makes me feel good about me

I love the message "Your blog post published successfully!" It's the exclamation point that makes it seem like such a special achievement. In fact I now wish all my daily tasks were remarked upon in the same manner. "Your teeth were flossed successfully!" "Your car parked successfully!" "Your lack of motivation was concealed successfully!" Wouldn't that be confidence-boosting? Yeah it would!

I'm with Tigger on this one

Not to get all Zapruder on you but watch the kid's arm. What was he grabbing back there?

I eagerly await my next credit card purchase

What will it be?

Trendtastic!

Does WalMart's energy-saving light bulb remind anyone of, oh I don't know, the Ruby Tuesday low-carb menu? Or am I just being cynical? (Circle cynical.) But: JWT is probably right about Greg Oden.

Just give Pressler his $200 million and call it a day

The real reason I read the NYPost business page? To see what imaginative new way its writers will ravage their chosen targets. John Wren, Marvin Girouard, Ron Perelman -- they're the most elite, perfect whipping boys ever!

But today brings bitter disappointment. Here is Janet Whitman on Gap's situation: "The struggling company posted an 8 percent drop in December same-store sales....The poor performance prompted renewed chatter among some investors that Gap chief Paul Pressler should lose his job." It's like she's just sticking to facts. The hell? Pressler's so incompetent the board's getting involved yet there's not a catty aside or personal attack to be had.

Or maybe I'm just tired of all the retail reporting that gives me dots but no connections. If gift card sales were up -- "The National Retail Federation estimated the average amount spent on gift cards rose to $116.50 from $88 last year" -- and online sales broke records, then what's really going on? Someone's making money somewhere, right? All I'm asking for is a little context. Or failing that, some cheap shots. C'mon!

ADDED: I see the Wall Street Journal, in its small, subscriber-only way, offers dots and some connections. If only they'd work in allegations of "a bog of financial razzle-dazzle," I'd be happy.

In the future, everyone will be a film-maker for 15 minutes

Of course! The only thing that can save the movie theater is booze: "The lobby contains a restaurant, a bar, and a book-and-gift shop. Before the movie, people hang out and have a drink.... Is this some sort of upper-bourgeois dream of the great good place? A padded cell for wealthy movie nuts? No, it’s an actual multiplex, the ArcLight, on Sunset Boulevard near Vine. The idea of user-friendly theatres may be catching on." Then again, maybe I skimmed past David Denby's most important points.

My question: is there enough alcohol in the world to get through that new Dakota Fanning film?

An acquired taste

So does Alan Richman like the new Gordon Ramsay restaurant or not? How will it affect the new season? And does anyone else -- aside from gossip columnists -- miss Dining Around?

It might be impossibly niche to yearn for the old Food Network shows but I can't help myself. It was, after all, Susan Feniger who taught home cooks everywhere how to flip a pan's contents with the simple, sensible directions: "shove the pan out, towards the camera."

Thank you Boise State

I now know what the Statue of Liberty play is. It IS a happy new year!

New Year's at my place: the French 75

A shot of gin, half-shot of lemon juice, half-shot of simple syrup, all topped off with champagne. It's my favorite and I'll be serving them up all evening so be sure to drop by. Who doesn't love a little "hydro-pneumatic recoil?"

What was Norm Clarke thinking?

Jared Fogel gets a mention in my favorite gossip column and suddenly I yearn for the days when we were all talking about Britney Spears' crotch. Things can't be that slow in Las Vegas, can they?

Cinco de me

Oh I know. If I were cool, I'd hate getting tagged. I'd find a way to gently mock the entire process and only half-heartedly play along. But there's something fun about summarizing your likes/dislikes, dreams, hopes and interests. When you think about it, it's a privilege typically reserved only for Playboy centerfolds and the subjects of American Express print ads. So I'm excited! Here's my list:

- I absolutely excel at euchre.

- I'll watch anything if the opening credits include Edith Head.

- You know how when Micky Ward used to fight, he had that tic where he'd always adjust his trunks after each round? Yeah? Well: that always did a little something for me.

- I can't stop buying dishes or kitchen gadgets.

- Tammy Wynette, Sammy Davis Jr, Cecilia Bartoli, Buddy Rich, LeRoi Brothers, Victor Borge, Don Rickles and Ella Fitzgerald -- of all the people I've seen perform live, these are my favorites.

There. Wow. I really feel like this exercise has brought us closer together, don't you? Hmm? Where'd you go? Great. Who's gonna tell Lori, HighJive -- yes! -- and Amy that I've chosen them?

A very automotive Christmas

Right this very minute I'm listening to one of my Firestone Christmas albums. You know it -- 1967: Roberta Peters and Jack Jones? With the Firestone Orchestra, Irwin Kostal conductor? C'mon! It's the one audio-directed by Phil Ramone. Yeah, that one. It's great, isn't it?

I'm worried for all my little Battlestar Galactica friends

Wasn't it brutal enough to lose both Kat and Ellen? Ronald D. Moore says no -- but don't click until you've seen tonight's finale. Really!

Think how I'd feel if I had ever actually worked on a pharma account

It's perfectly understandable that physicians would detest pharma advertising. After all, wouldn't that media money be better spent providing them with cruises, topless dancers or "research" funds? Besides, it must be hard to concentrate what with patients always talking, always asking their pesky little questions.

But when regular people complain -- I don't know. Is that just the common tendency to suspect any big industry? Or is it patronizing and a little cold-hearted?

I only ask because this article seems to give voice to the very people who are almost never heard from in this debate: the sufferers -- and you don't have to be at death's door to truly, noticeably suffer. If you have a good health plan, if you have a trusted doctor, drug ads may be lost on you. But for others, a TV spot may be the only way they learn of a life-changing drug -- and this shouldn't make them less deserving of treatment.

Don't let his glad expression give you the wrong impression

Now I regret never giving much thought to the Pillsbury Doughboy: "We can only imagine him alone at night, his day’s work done, trying to shape dough into the form of a companion, and breathing into its mouth. Failure; every time, failure. He wept small clear perfect tears, and they tasted like beer."

Does Holly M. Sanders understand her own writing?

No one has commented on the Post's Omnicom article from yesterday and I can only assume that's because shareholder lawsuits lack a certain something -- sex, let's say -- to hold anyone's interest.

Oh, Chris Byron: where are you?

Drink up

Oh, I see you already have.

Giving up on the human drama of athletic competition

It takes true verve to work this many mixed metaphors and labored references into just two sentences: "In a knockout punch that would do Jake La Motta proud, the Tribeca Film Festival just gave rival fests another reason to rage. The sponsorship champ has teamed up with ESPN to create the Tribeca/ESPN Sports Film Festival, with a lineup of indie sports films on marketing steroids."

But if AdFreak is geniunely excited -- and not merely doing a send-up of really bad PR writing -- I can't share their joy. I liked ESPN better back when they aired actual sports, not intellectually dishonest specials, MTV-wannabe shows or new festival films meant to make everyone forget those earlier efforts.

I once went to a David Maister seminar and I want those 8 hours back

David Maister makes a case for firing people via email, no doubt leading to hours of high fiving among Radio Shack executives.

Fortunately Maister's readers are fully formed humans and thus wiser and more decent.

"I'm not even sure whose [lap] it was, but if there was [a picture], it was completely innocuous."

Best Adweek quote ever.

Burnt orange? I had no idea Gropius was a UT alum.

Even I, a fan of the all-text presentation, would have appreciated a photo or two of the renovated Bauhaus: "The sombre black-and-white colours of the post-war years have yielded to subtle streaks of burnt orange, acid-lemon, deep blue, pink and red - giving the building an enhanced quality of warmth and space just in time for its 80th anniversary celebrations....The Bauhaus is one of modernism's more sacred shrines, but what do you do with a famous name that inspired artists for decades, but which now might seem somewhat remote to younger people?"

Again, let me recommend photos. Maybe even moving pictures.

It's like a listicle, only more so

The brilliantly named Tenspotting.com and its happy backstory. I'll admit it: I'm interested.

Theoretically

I'd like to thank MarketWatch for naming Robert Iger CEO of The Year and thus confirming my Pixar Karma Theory.

I don't often formulate theories -- too much work, too little chance of being right -- but once I decided to go with the stunningly obvious, I've met with great success!

"The love that I've acquired"

T.O.'s birthday party. First, a confession: I wasn't REALLY on the list but I went ahead and wasted that bitch's time. And second, there's something sad and adolescent about T.O. at around 48 seconds in, as if he really does believe all those famous people are his friends.

But first people would have to know who Deutsch is

Donny only pawn in game of politics.

Not a good time to be a Russian

Like there's ever a good time. But now if the poison doesn't get you, your $650,000 sports car will: "Published reports said that Kerimov's clothes were on fire as he jumped out of the Ferrari and that his face was the most severely burned area."

His face, huh? Interesting. Possibly ingenious.

You felt insulted? By an ad? Tell me more.

Will pet charms save Zales? Hope so. Because it seems their holiday ad campaign might not be all that popular.

Because I know you care: a Greyhound PR progress check

Far be it from me to tell anyone how to do their job -- as you know, I tend to be completely positive and nonjudgmental -- but I have to wonder about Greyhound. Sure, they got a good start on the holiday season. Local papers picked up their press releases and spit out that list of new upgrades almost verbatim: "New signage, a few plasma televisions, refurbished buses, cellphone charger stations and coloring books....even a greeter in a red vest....'We even have laptop charger stations.'" Great work!

But let's hope there's also a video news release. As controversial as that practice may be, I'd give anything if tonight's news led with something other than an airport live shot. I think if you're a news director and you ever show an airport terminal on Thanksgiving, a post office on the evening of April 15, or a DWI checkpoint on New Year's Eve, you need to lose your job. And I mean that in the most positive and nonjudgmental way possible.

Also: Greyhound might want to get a handle on that whole driver situation.

Now they've gone too far

Who are you more disappointed in -- Douglas Coupland for appearing in a Blackberry ad or Jimmy Johnson for bastardizing "How 'bout them Cowboys!" to sell some beer?

It's gotta be Jimmy, right?

I thought oenophiles had to register with authorities

Let's meet for drinks later, want to? I know the perfect place. Sotheby's is auctioning off 50 cases of the mythic 1982 Chateau Mouton Rothschild tonight. And since experts say the lot will likely "fetch $600,000 to $1.2 million," we could split the tab.

This will, though, force us once again to consider the peculiar language favored by connoisseurs. "'It tastes like -- just think about your first kiss,' Smith said on the telephone. 'You never forget that. Fruit and balance and structure were unbelievable. This had a two-minute aftertaste. You keep swallowing and swallowing and swallowing. It's monumental. It's one of those few things in life where perfection was obtained.'"

Mr. Smith, please: too much information!

All Dallas, all day. Or until something else distracts me.

Is this, truly, a smart move for Blockbuster? "The Weinstein Company has entered an unusual deal with Blockbuster that will make the vidtailer the exclusive rental outlet for all Weinstein Company releases. As part of the four-year pact, TWC will not make available any titles through competing rental outlets -- including Blockbuster rivals Netflix and Movie Gallery."

First, there's gotta be a price: "Execs familiar with the deal also said that Blockbuster will guarantee payments that amount to a certain percentage of box office." Sweet for the Weinstein boys. And sweet for a moviemaker who has crap-titles that Wal-Mart isn't interested in selling as a loss leader: "studios have no wish to see the vidtailer file for bankruptcy. For one thing, Blockbuster is still a major customer of the studios and owes most of them money....Blockbuster also a key place to studios look[ing] to monetize their B and C pics, which might not find shelf space at mass merchants as easily. Plus, Wal-Mart's muscle scares them."

Of course you can still buy Weinstein movies anywhere and at a time when DVDs seem downright disposable, this might not help Blockbuster at all. Poor John Antioco. Imagine how much more money he'd make if he could come up with good ideas!

I'd really like to get to know you better before we, you know, look at your phone

Research has "found that in social situations men actively display their phones and its capabilities in a bid to look important and popular. The research suggests that this is done primarily to attract females but also used to show off and gain status with other men in their peer group."

Tsk tsk Dallas fashionistas

I'm so embarrassed for my city.

When does that whole "emphasizing local news" thing kick in?

The NYPost -- again -- provides the latest DFW business news, although the Ft. Worth paper did fill in some interesting background details. Still, questions remain: What kind of businessman makes Iceland his base of operation? Is the next Pier 1 celebrity endorser destined to be Bjork? How do you pronounce Jysk?

The Dallas Morning News, meanwhile, chewed over a company press release and burped something out. Guess those newsroom assets are still being aligned.

Wait. There's a woman who actually agreed to have sex with Gordon Ramsay?

The really amazing thing is, she doesn't look psycho.

Wherein I try, again, to convince you that it's not a bad thing

See who's watching: "At Skillz Salon, a barbershop in West Plano where black professional athletes get their hair cut, the talk these days is all about No. 22. But guess what? It has nothing to do with football. 'He's been doing really well. He's a phenomenal dancer,' says barber Sedrick Fort, 32. Mr. Fort and the Skillz Salon clientele love to discuss Emmitt Smith's...spectacular showing on Dancing With the Stars."

Ain't no controversy like an art world controversy

This morning, my career advice to you is to stay in advertising and give up, once and for all, your secret dream of becoming an opera house conductor. Change is wreaking havoc in that world too: "No maestro worth his baton would settle for less power in a house he had ruled for a decade. Gatti, one of the most gifted interpreters of his generation, is exiting with rueful dignity."

"Exiting with rueful dignity" -- not only do I wish I had written that, I think it has excellent potential as an epitaph.

45 minutes until BSG

Yard work. Errands. Two X chromosomes. Yeah, there's a lot of reasons I shouldn't even consider attending a sci-fi convention. Then again: CHIEF!

ADDED: Three things. First, whaddaya gonna do about Helo? So gorgeous, so dumb; a real space himbo. Second, if you go back and watch the original mini-series, Apollo addresses Laura Roslin as "sir," the show's term of respect for all superiors regardless of sex. Since when did he start calling her "ma'am?" And finally, Hot Dog is a real-life Olmos? And Howard Keel's grandson? Fascinating.

The Target Christmas catalog: I'm going to go ahead and call it beautiful

In fact, I thought it was some variation of the Neiman's catalog before I saw the little red bullseye. Yay for Tord Boontje! Yay for Target stunts pulled in cities where there's no Target store!

Christ!

WalMart sees your Happy Holidays and raises you a virgin birth.

Awaiting shareholder reaction

Usually, news of DirecTV can be a source of the most piquant language. That's why it's rather disappointing that today they explained their better-than-expected performance with a bland "'we increased the number of higher-quality subscribers.'" I mean, would it've hurt them to come right out and call former customers a bunch of deadbeats? C'mon! Does Rupert Murdoch have to do everything?

Confession: I voted twice

I just felt that strongly about it.

Slacks and the slacking slackers who hate 'em

Haggar gives me a reason to watch the Best Damn Sport Show, even as AdFreak readers continue to argue. But any campaign that inspires one commentor to tell another, "Your Dad should've beat you more often" -- that's gotta have some merit, right?

The most magical of days

Know what? Today I found this year's Winter Welcome down at the Central Market. Know what else? It's now sold in light-shielding brown bottles, a long-overdue development sure to please beer snobs everywhere.

And by "snobs," I of course mean "pornographers" because, honestly, who else writes like this: "A lusciously caramel-laden malt flavor extends seasons greetings to my palate, leaving gifts of hops, bitterness, and a hugely spicy hop flavor. It's a beer with a full, buxom body, with softness at every curve....The finish is dry with a light pepper-like spicy tang."

Cigarette?

Can anyone be the new Best Buy?

With holiday sales figures at stake, this obviously is no time for retailers to pursue anything so reckless as original thinking. No. This is the season to stand out by solidly copying someone else's formula for success. Last year that meant all campaigns looked just like Target's. This year, it means all store experiences will feel just like Best Buy. So enjoy the new Toys "R" Us whose strategy is "not to compete head on with Wal-Mart, but to be 'the toy authority,' much the way Best Buy is considered an expert when it comes to consumer electronics." Well, why not try to be the new Best Buy? Even Best Buy competitors are becoming the new Best Buy.

Just be careful. Best Buy does some things very well. But turning their own press releases into a neutral and accurate Wikipedia entry is evidently not one of them.

So it begins

Last month's clothing sales were just kinda so-so. Of all the reasons given, the article shockingly fails to consider skinny jeans or the fact that everyone's sewing at home.

Oh well. Even without proper credit, her influence is undeniable.

Like magic

Because the DMN writing is so pitiably odd, I can't tell whether this is something to make fun of or get in on: "Mr. Cohen's new book, Follow the Other Hand: A Remarkable Fable That Will Energize Your Business, Profits and Life, comes with a deck of cards and instructions for several low-talent tricks that are designed to get you in a creative mode. It began as a collaborative effort with Stan Rapp, founder of Rapp Collins Worldwide.... 'I have seen Andy perform his sleight of hand to the mystification and delight of audiences,' Mr. Rapp said. 'But more importantly, I've seen him deliver amazing results for some of my clients here in the USA and South America.' Last month, Slingshot LLC, an advertising agency in the West End, hired Mr. Cohen to come speak. He performed mind-expanding exercises for Slingshot's advertising staff and clients."

Hell, who am I kidding? If Rapp's involved, let the mocking begin!

Dead guys are hot, hot, hot

Nothing says you've arrived like buying a de Kooning at this season's art auctions; just be prepared for plenty of competition from young American billlionaires -- the ones who aren't facing pervy sex charges -- and Russian financiers -- the ones who don't happen to be in jail. The tension! The riches! "Two years ago financial analysts predicted that the art market was on the brink of topping out, but it has defied economic indicators." And never mind why so much art is up for sale ("the '3 Ds' — debt, divorce and death — bring art to the market"). Just concentrate on the sudden status you'll enjoy. And for God's sake, be careful.

Or, if you're trying to stick to your budget this month, there's always eBay. As a Murketing commentor writes, "the combination of art and commerence always has unexpected results," which is, coincidentally, EXACTLY what that guy on Harry Hines told me when I bought the elephant statue out of the back of his van.

My Monday Night Football message of hope. Or doom. I dunno.

When you name your sports blog "AwfulAnnouncing," you've amply demonstrated both an ability to get to the heart of matters and an understandable propensity for dispair. Indeed, it's surprising that this USAToday column wasn't the final push off the ledge:

"Whether it's hyping Dancing...or having Disney-employed celebs drop by the booth, they aren't catering to the just-give-me-the-game crowd. Those people will watch anyway*: ESPN's game Monday, as a sports-themed TV show accessible to lots of people who've never heard of Billy Kilmer, drew the most households in cable TV history....To all who just want SportsCenter to give scores without catchphrases and games without sideshows, forget it."

Well, shit. "Those people will watch anyway" makes it sound so hopeless. So "Thiesman forever!"

But haven't we heard this kind of talk before? Where was it? Oh yeah: "In the August 5, 1996, issue of the New Yorker, David Remnick interviewed Dick Ebersol, president of NBC Sports, and Nicholas Schiavone, NBC director of research, and explored the psychological underpinnings of NBC's intricate strategy to capture the female audience. Remnick cites what he calls Schiavone's programming 'creed'--five principles for a kinder, gentler Olympics--describing it as 'a highly artificial construct, designed for maximum sentiment and ratings.' The results...indicate that, while men will watch the games no matter what, women, who make up 51 percent of the viewing audience, need stories."

Well, bullshit. Because ten years later, "NBC aired hundreds of hours of prime time coverage of this year's Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy, but saw the lowest overall ratings since the 1992 games." Women turned to American Idol for their "stories." And men didn't watch "no matter what." The Olympics are now no longer an automatic ratings and advertising winner. Thank you, Mr Schiavone!

Even if ESPN isn't working off exactly the same brief, I think they face similar results. Aren't they taking a ratings gimme and, with the same blind commitment to an ill-advised "strategy," fucking it up for a future generation? It's Monday Night Football -- an institution! -- and in a few years, no one will sit through a Tirico-Hank Williams Jr interview. I think as soon as you start to assume people will watch "no matter what," you've already lost them. It happened to the Olympics. It can happen to football. Unless the NFL steps in.

* All emphasis mine and added to make it look like I had a point. This marks the first such bolding of type on NotBillable and while it's fun to change things up a bit, I'm never -- never -- going to make things more inviting and readable with a photo or two. Yeah I'm off the hydrocodone. Why do you ask?

The "focus is on the fine print rather than the headline"

What kind of cuckoo, off-kilter world do we live in when marketers start to hide important facts: "The worst offender? Scott toilet paper, which has long boasted 1,000 sheets per roll. The real deal...is that each sheet on the roll was actually shortened. The company managed to do away with 300 inches."

The colon: overused?

Yes. But it's my favorite punctuation mark.

Career potential: writer on a furniture account

For this brilliantly worded description: "a highly graphic couch."

Scary words: "revenue growth remains disappointing"

Yeah. Why hasn't Kodak ever been able to make good on all that turnaround talk?

Advertising costumes: original but funny to about 3 people

Bypassing the gory and the outright slutty, I like to choose costumes that have some personal meaning to me. So this year, I've dressed as Mary Wells Lawrence. No, not the go-go, ground-breaking Pucci girl of the 60s -- too obvious! too much leg! -- but the Mustique-residing, Mick-Jagger-cup-of-sugar-borrowing, legend-preserving grand dame of today. Several dozen colleagues have agreed to go as my personal servants, we'll pass out "A Big Life In Advertising" (stacks of which were rescued from the Borders bargain books shelf) and, when there's a spare minute or so, I'll patiently explain to anyone who will listen how I'm still emotionally in touch with the regular consumer.

An illustrated guide to the business

In terms we can all understand.

So how's that new guy working out?

He's into online initiatives and he certainly knows how to use email, but is the RadioShack CEO clear on that whole "public company" concept? "[S]ome analysts and observers said the lack of answers about the company's turnaround plans since the arrival of new CEO Julian Day has been an ongoing source of frustration and concern....The executives assembled by Day have refused all media interviews. They've also stopped holding conference calls with analysts during quarterly earnings reports, a common practice among publicly traded companies."

Thanks. I'll be here all week.

After the debacle that was Monday night, wasn't it nice that we as Cowboy fans could rally around Emmitt Smith's mambo? He was perfect! Although, to be honest, it seemed awkward to have his partner Cheryl start the dance with Drew Bledsoe then switch to Emmitt half-way through. Hi-oooh!

Is Seth Godin calling me lazy? I think he is!

In a post that was way too long for me to read closely, Seth Godin writes, "You're busy trying to sell a service or a product or an idea to lazy people in a hurry....We don't have to like it, we just have to acknowledge it." Whatever.

I was much more interested in these guys: "Current Energy is different because it offers electricity pricing plans from three companies, and it sells energy-efficient products from lots of vendors....'Most people are really uncomfortable about the idea of energy efficiency,' Mr. Harberg said....They try to keep things simple and hands-on. Mr. Harberg said he thinks part of the reason that only about a third of Texans have switched electricity providers is too many choices and too much information."

A nit? We never have too many choices. We have too many choices that look alike.

NotBillable trendwatch: boobs

First, James gets distracted.

Then there's this.

Gosh, one more example -- wherever will we find that? -- and it could officially be a trend.

Does this make me a bad person?

I really enjoy watching New York baseball teams lose.

Yes, if only it were up to him

The wonderfully named Dallas columnist Steve Blow continues to be at the forefront of cultural trends. Today he discovers the mobile billboard truck and promptly calls for a legal ban. Because he alone knows what's good for this city, the environment and business in general.

Shhh. Don't tell him about the Internet -- why, that thing's just full of banners and pop-unders!

Details magazine: the perfect place to dispel all those gay rumors

Sometimes you run across a news account that's repugnant on every possible level. Animal cruelty stories, to give but one example. Another: recaps of Hennessey promotional events. Simply put, it hurts me deeply every time affluent people score free drinks. So wrong! 500 models? So expected! And then there is the participation of Lance Armstrong.

I never thought I'd say this but the more Armstrong lives a fun-filled, cocktail-drinking, Matthew McConaughey-befriending, Sheryl Crow-abandoning, Details cover-worthy life -- a life he has certainly earned -- the more his appeal seems to fade. He was simply more likeable when he was on a bike. And it may already be evident in his fund-raising efforts: "his self-proclaimed war on cancer remains a struggle. Since he threw himself behind the cause, no significant financial progress has been made. Fund-raising dinners, fancy rubber bands, and rousing speeches net millions, but what Armstrong needs in order to make a difference is counted in the billions. He’s used to getting what he wants. But now that he’s a mortal again, he has to reacquaint himself with words like no and wait."

Of course, it's peculiar to label an ability to "net millions" as "a struggle." But I think we like our heroes best when they're in the midst of a great battle, as opposed to having won it and enjoying the spoils. Or maybe it's just that McConaughey has a knack for damaging everything he touches.

Catharsis denied

Let us speak no more of Jeffrey and the deliciously life-affirming disqualification that never was. Instead, let's put on some red lipstick, polish up our sternums and hope -- dearly hope -- for a Laura Bennett line.

Order restored to Texas stereotypes

Maybe we're not so afraid of those naked lady statues. (I mean, have you seen the Adolphus?) Maybe we just have a bad -- albeit media-savvy -- teacher.

Order restored to the universe

I was just happy to find Halloween Hip Barbie -- only $9.99 down at the Piggly Wiggly! -- but this news is even better: "Latest rankings in the doll wars also show Barbie regaining her No. 1 spot as the holiday season unfolds, pulling ahead of the rival Bratz dolls." I think we all know the reason why.

Also, Uli revealed that our nation's greatest secret weapon is Miami Vice

Tuesday, October 10: Nobel Prize-winning economist Edmund S. Phelps writes in the WSJ that "capitalism is justified...by the injustice of depriving entrepreneurial types (as well as other creative people) of opportunities for their self-expression."

Wednesday, October 11: Uli reflects on her East German childhood, prepares for her Bryant Park show and declares the American Dream to be "wreal."

Coincidence?

ADDED MUCH LATER: After viewing the Project Runway finale countless times, I realize that Uli never in fact says "wreal." Rather, she says that in America, dreams can come "twue." I should have corrected this earlier but could not bring myself to do so. There's simply no way you can hear a German woman say "twue" and not think of Madeline Kahn. Am I right?

Here's a thing I really like about Battlestar Galactica: part 3

"It's ALL hands-on here, Captain."

(The new season is only three days away.)

Root canal Wednesday: a jaw-dropping development

The tooth couldn't be fixed so: extraction! That's a first for me. Hydrocodone intake has been stepped up and publicists are standing by.

Welcome to root canal Wednesday. Refreshments and hydrocodone are being served in the foyer.

Isn't it about time we re-name the root canal procedure? Just off the top of my head, something like "neural nullification" or "bridge aversion therapy" would be far preferable to anything with the word "canal" in it. Agreed? Yeah? Then meet me at that place off Quorum Drive and let's focus-group some alternatives. We'll order dinner. It'll be great.

Meanwhile, until the nitrous oxide takes full effect:

-Look! Barbie!

-I can't say which is the bigger crime here -- owning a Bedazzler or rooting for Mario Lopez.

-Just as I began to wonder about Amy's knitting blog -- Where'd she go? Is she OK? Did she finish those socks? -- it's all answered with one masterfully composed photo.

-The Texas Star is my favorite sight at the State Fair. Its full beauty is evidently so pure and magical that no camera has yet captured it. Other State Fair favorites: Elsie the Cow, pie-baking contest day, Hall of State and the German food tent (best for shade, seating and beer selection). Yay!

Maybe Patricia Dunn was just concerned about their recycling habits

I know. Congressional sex scandals are fun (FUN!) and can make us feel so comparatively sane. Still I can't figure out why the Hewlett-Packard story only inspires what Dealbreaker calls "scandal fatigue." Look at this: "Surveillance, [included] a 'sting' operation and digging through trash....to spy on directors, two employees and nine reporters."

Of course nobody cares about directors and maybe that's why no one cares about this. But employees? Doesn't that alarm you just a little? It's one thing to accept that your employer monitors your at-work email and Internet activity. But how alarmed would you be to discover that your company searches your home garbage? Or does background checks on your relatives? Or tracks your friends' calls? HP did all that. To uncover an activity that is not illegal. So yes, I want an ugly, embarrassing Mark Hurd resignation. Now. It might be the only outcome scary enough to discourage any other executive from spying on employees. And because honestly, I'm tired of always having to explain all these empties.

Here's a thing I really like about Battlestar Galactica: part 2

Not since Das Boot has a story given me such a suffocating sense of claustrophobia. No wonder everybody wanted to settle on New Caprica. Mud and huts do seem attractive compared to cramped ships and the darkness of space.

(The new season is only four days away.)

Here's a thing I really like about Battlestar Galactica: part 1

All officers, male and female, are addressed as "sir."

(The new season is only five days away.)